An ad brings tears to the Loser's eyes

Age: 45
Body: Curvy
Height: 5'1"
Status: Single
I have a few tattoos

I probably won't get many responses if any but I figured it be worth a shot. I am a open minded person. Please be close to my age. I am not into the bar scene or clubbing. I seem to be a relatively boring person. I work and I come home to my multiple cats. I don't go out. I am a plain Jane kind of girl. I don't wear make up , I don't dress up and not into fancy restaurants. I enjoy simple things like taking walks I enjoy going to fleamarket's and yard sales. I like things to stay simple. I am a 45-year-old, white single female. As I mentioned above I have multiple cats and multiple birds. I don't travel because of my animals, I don't consider them my animals they are my babies, they mean the world to me.
I would like to find a man willing to start as friends first and see where things go. I am not into PDA. I am disease-free, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke and a social drinker. I would like the guy to be single as well so if a relationship forms there is no complications. I also prefer the guy to have no children. I'm tired of never being high on the priority list. As I said in the beginning I probably won't get anything but nasty responses but figured it was worth a shot. I live in Chester county, so please live close to there if you're interested in seeing if something could evolve.
If your email intrigues me I will reply, if it does not intrigue me I won't. Please send a "G" rated picture and tell me about yourself and your location and age. Please love animals and not allergic to them. Please be disease-free social drinker no drugs and smoking is negotiable Be willing to email a few times then perhaps exchange numbers and text for a while before speaking and meeting. Please do not send nasty comments it is not necessary. Please be open minded too.

The Loser and Riley's mom

This isn't her; it's an anonymous mug shot.

In the Complete and Total Loser’s pathetic—and fruitless—search for love, he has sometimes put a profile of himself on OKCupid, a free dating service. He does this, reads women’s profiles, and sometimes sends them a message. The site informs him that they have viewed his profile and afterward he never hears from them again. C’est la vie!
In some rare instances women contact him first. They are usually not to the Loser’s liking, but he appreciates the effort and is polite when declining their invitations to meet, if they go that far. The most recent woman to do this has the screen name Rileysmom. (There are some digits after that, but the Loser will grant her anonymity.)

Riley’s mom is 60 years old (three years older than the Loser) and lives in Princeton, New Jersey. 

When filling out her profile, she put under “What I’m doing with my life”: 
I work 5 days a week and I have time for a real nice white guy with a good heart
(She forgot the period.)

The six things Riley’s mom could “never do with out” are:
my daughter
my car
my phone
food
my health
(That’s five; the Loser guesses that Riley’s mom is either a woman with simple needs or not a stickler when it comes to arithmetic.)

Riley’s mom spends “a lot of time thinking about”:
if I'm gonna find that one lucky guy who likes me for me
no games or bs

On a typical Friday night Riley’s mom is:
home cause I have to work on Saturdays

Men should message Riley’s mom if:
your (sic) real your (sic) a nice guy with a good heart. and u want to go out and do things. I don't have time for games or your bs JUST saying

Below is the entire exchange between Riley’s mom and the Complete and Total Loser:

Riley’s mom:
wow your profile really sucks
 
Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks! Take care and stay warm!

Riley’s mom:
you too loser
 
Complete and Total Loser:
Thank you very much for your interest. I think, however, that we live too far apart to make seeing each other practical, as nice as the Princeton area is. I wish you success on this site and a happy 2016!

Riley’s mom:
I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth. get real. ass
 
Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks for getting back to me! Yes, it does seem dumb to let distance get in the way of meeting, but I’m sure there are plenty of good men closer to you in Princeton, and I’ve met good women in my area. Of course, there’s no reason we can't keep up our friendly banter online! I think it’s downright sexy when women contact men first the way you did. In our traditional society, it’s still usually the man who is expected to make first contact. And hey—if you’re ever in Philadelphia’s western suburbs, lunch or dinner is on me! Your daughter Riley is lucky to have such a kind, understanding, intelligent and bold mother. Got a lot of snow to start shoveling. Later!

Who shows up

The Complete and Total Loser is an uninteresting looking white male, age 57, who has a graduate degree and is conservative and almost effete in his dating habits. 
Why, he wonders, does this woman keep showing up in the list of women he might like in his OK Cupid dating profile? It baffles and amuses the Loser.

Dating advice for men

 









The Complete and Total Loser bought this book for $1.50 at his library's used book store. He has no desire or intention to date in the foreseeable future, but he knows that he may want to in months to come. He'll put the book on a shelf where it will be at the ready for that time. He likes to think that after he reads it, women will be like putty in his hands.
**Update: This book is awful. Full of typos and bad writing, dated advice you already know. Save your money.**

The post break-up email

It is polite and friendly and comes no less than two days after the last one. 
The one who dumped (her) is casual and upbeat, which comes off as distant: "My week was busier than usual and I've enrolled in a new course. It's not something I need to know now but if I ever want to teach I'll be glad I did. How was your day off?"
The one dumped (me) tries to avoid a bitter and sad phrase yet fails: "That's good that you're taking that class. More education never hurts and usually helps! Didn't do much on my day off. Just puttered around, took a nap." 

The Loser gets dumped

The woman the Complete and Total Loser's been seeing since February dumped him earlier tonight. She did it with skill, which he's telling himself was inadvertent. (He believed her when she said she didn't intend to say what she did.)
She eased into it. If you were to ask the Loser why she's no longer interested in seeing him, he'd be unable to answer. There was no, "You're too ..." or "You're not ..." It was more her talking about where she is in life and slipping in past tense references to their relationship. Over a few minutes, it became clear to the Loser what was happening.
They parted with them assuring each other that they'd still talk on the phone and exchange emails, and the Loser is certain that they will. For awhile. 

Not everyone finds love in life.

Ten things men shouldn't do after 30

This list of things men shouldn't do after 30 is on askmen.com. The Complete and Total Loser is editing it as askmen, knowing who their advertisers are, made it wimpy with modifiers like "constantly" on things like the one about playing video games. (The whole article's here.) The Loser also has problems with it, as you'll see below.

1. Eat fast food
2. Drive recklessly
3. Play video games
4. Live in a dorm-style room
5. Get a tattoo
6. Binge drink
7. Live paycheck to paycheck
8. Work at a dead-end job
9. Be socially and/or politically clueless
10. Dress like a slob

Number ten is where the problem is. In the paragraph accompanying it, they say, "Even more important than your job or your personality is how you dress." Really? You could save hundreds of lives all day but whether or not your belt matches your shoes matters more than that?
The Loser finds much missing from this list, like smoking, thinking farting is funny, treating women like shit, having a limp handshake, disturbing neighbors with noise, driving a gas-guzzling car, mastering basic grammar and punctuation, and not offering your seat on a bus or train to those who need it more than you.

Some fashion types would say don't use messenger bags after 30 (which this man clearly isn't), but the Loser says if it's practical (he's 56 and bikes for transportation), why wouldn't you?

Dating

The Complete and Total Loser has actually paid money to join a dating site. 
He's not sure why he's done this. The age-appropriate women there and in his league are sad and not very literate. He's heard from a few who may be viable, but in the near month he's been on the Loser hasn't actually met with anyone. 
That may change Saturday. A woman who seems as low key as the Loser will meet him for dinner after work. If she's the type who responds to non-needy types, the Loser has a chance. His libido is at a low and if she doesn't show up at the appointed place he'd be quite happy to dine alone. 
Last week, the Loser had lunch with two friends, both women in their 40s. He shot the photo below of a young lovely who was in the same place, eating with her boyfriend. You know something about eating on a bright day when you're in your 40s? You don't sit by a window like this girl did. The light is not kind to your skin at that age.

Reading up

The Complete and Total Loser is immersed in books and videos designed to help him keep his resolution to have sex with a woman in 2014. 
He has tried to remake himself in the past and done some reading on it, but there was never as much material as there is now, and when he doesn't keep reading new things about how to talk to women he tends to run out of steam.
There are so many books and hours of videos on it now that he can't imagine that happening for quite a while this time.

The Loser may have met a woman by the time this chair is warm enough to sit on.

The Fix Up Followup

As the minus seven regular readers of The Complete and Total Loser read last week, the Loser was invited to dine with a couple he knows who also invited a woman the same night. The Loser wondered—and feared—that it was an attempt by his friends to pair him with someone so that he might know a tiny bit of the happiness that people in committed relationships are sometimes said to have and maybe even have someone get close enough to the Loser that she'd be there to find his dead body in the not too distant future before it rotted enough to annoy neighbors with its stench.
It was not, he deduced early in the evening, a fix up. While the woman was single, she was far too young for the Loser and gave off no signals that she was there for anything but a meal with friends. 
This made the Loser sigh. If you'd heard the sigh, you would be unable to distinguish it from a sigh of relief or sadness.

This is what the Loser thinks he looks like.

If it is a fix up try, it's likely the last.

A friend invited the Complete and Total Loser to her and her husband's house for dinner next week. But not just him. She invited a woman she knows too. 
This never happens to the Loser, and he's not sure that's what's happening now; she may just want to have friends for dinner, and the Loser has yet to see her house. She is, however, a romantic and a little mad about some things, in nice ways, usually. 
People don't try to match up the Loser and it makes perfect sense to him. If he were in a position to match someone up, he'd want, if not love to blossom, the people involved to at least feel a little flattered by the attempt. 
The pitch between his friend and the other woman would go like this:
Well, he's not very tall, five nine, and he is bald. He's cripple too and wears a funny shoe people laugh at. He didn't do well in the workplace and makes a third of what the average man his age makes. Oh, and he's never had a serious relationship or even a girlfriend.
He'd be perfect for you!
Not flattering, right?

 

Two Dating Messages

He'd be an awful spy, the Complete and Total Loser, as bad at it as he's been at everything else. Take this dumb experiment he's been conducting on a dating site, where he's presented a persona that is the opposite of him.
Every time he gets a message he nearly jumps on his keyboard to ask them out, forgetting for a moment that he's lied about everything on his profile and even the picture used isn't of him.
And get this response to two recent messages on the same day:
Woman #1 writes this:
"You are an asshole."
Woman #2 writes this:
"Love your profile. Straight and to the point. Refreshing."
Now, given that the profile is a fictitious one of a man who is the opposite of the Loser, you'd think he'd say something nice to Woman #1 and ignore Woman #2.
But no.
He writes back to Woman #1, this: "Well, you're fat, semi-literate and single, so I can understand your bitterness. I hope you can work through it and be happier than you are now. Keep trying! Never lose hope!"
Coward that the Loser is, he then blocked her from responding.
And he writes this to Woman #2: "Thanks, Krissy. Earlier today I got a message from another woman which said only this: 'You are an asshole.' If you were older and lived closer, who knows?" 
Does this make any sense? Nope. 

An Evil Thing the Loser is Doing

The Complete and Total Loser gave up on dating ten days ago or so and deactivated his profile on the free dating site he'd visit a few weeks a year. 
This year he'd decided to give it more than his avowed week per season, and after a few dates, with mostly women who described themselves as "athletic" or "average" yet outweighed the Loser by thirty pounds, he began to lose hope. Before long, the only women the site matched him with were women living far from where he lives. Hours away, often.
Then the Loser had a thought. 
What would happen if he made a fake profile and assigned opposite characteristics to the fake him? 

Meet Clinton. 
Clinton is 6'1", fit, and has a head of hair so full it's often the first thing people notice about him. He makes over $100,000 a year and bristles with confidence. He's not on this site to dither, no ma'am. Clinton is busy and on the site to maximize his options (he actually uses that word, "maximize"), and he tell women who weigh over 135 pounds and are over 5'9" that they won't be a good physical match for him so please move on. Clinton even has a photograph. (By the way, it's hard to do a successful web search for "handsome older men" and not get pictures of George Clooney.)
Unlike the Loser, Clinton is working hard and doing well, despite the lengthy economic downturn. He often travels (The Loser hasn't spent a night away since the year 2000), enjoys fine dining, spends time with his "large yet intimate circle of interesting friends," and attends cultural events regularly. 
The Loser wanted to see who would respond to him and how. 
So far, there have been few positive responses. One was even angry.
"Just curious. . .with a profile like that, do you really meet many women on here? What a condescending, pompous ass! Not many of these make me stop in my tracks to send a message, but yours had that affect, though certainly not in a good way. Any woman with self-esteem and half a brain wouldn't look at you twice."
The Loser's response to this is, of course, to respond in character. That is, to lie.
"Yes," Clinton wrote back, "I've been meeting interesting, successful, self-assured and attractive women who think well of themselves. So well, in fact, that they don't feel a need to try to make others feel bad about themselves as you seem to. You clearly have issues and I hope you get help for them.
"No time to go on. It's Friday night and I have a date. And you? That's what I thought. A pity.
Best of luck!"
Burn.
A second woman said, "I find your arrogance intriguing and slightly funny. Perhaps that was not what you were going for but it strikes me that way. Maybe you could use a little levity in your life."
Arrogance? Sure, The Loser/Clinton gets that she's not flat out calling him arrogant and even says nice things about it, but you know what? Fuck you, lady. Do you know how many times the Loser has said the mildest things to women and gotten reamed and rejected for them? Thousands. 
"I reread my profile," the Loser wrote, politely, "to see what part of it was arrogant. I couldn't find it. Confident, sure; I'm at the age where if I don't know who I am and what I want I must have problems, which I don't.
"So we're off on the wrong foot already, which means we're better off ending it here."
The woman wrote back, defending her word choice and referred to the exchange as, touchingly, "our first fight."
"First and last, I'm afraid," Clinton responded.
Three other women have written to Clinton. "I'm not sure if we're a good match," one said. "What type of work do you do?"
Pass.
"By any chance, are you a nice Jewish guy? You came off like a Jewish man who knows what he wants, and I'm very used to that."
The Loser wrote back that he's a mean Episcopalian who has no faith. End of that one.
Interestingly, the Loser has a knee-jerk reaction to write nice things to these women and try to get them to like him. But that would be taking the lie too far, to cruelty. Besides, these are women who don't want a bald, short, poor, crippled man like the Loser, so he cuts them off at once.
It's what Clinton does.

 

Two Observations, Unconnected to Eath Other

The Complete and Total Loser buried the fourth dead koi of the five the fish pond tender killed earlier this week. One fish remains. It may pull through. The observation is this: We should all bury dead things we cared for, even if we didn't care about them. Back in the Loser's youth, this is how it was always done. Your dog or cat was dying, you took it to a vet. It was euthanized. You put the body in the car and drove it home to bury it in your suburban back yard. You might wrap it in a blanket it liked to sleep on. Now they cremate it and give you the ashes. At least, they say it's your animal's ashes. Too easy. Take the animal home and bury it, even if doing so isn't legal where you live. Even if it's a Great Dane.

_________________________

The Loser has tried dating lately. He's awful at it and has next to nothing to offer in the first place. He joined a free dating site. Often, after a few emails, the women simply tell him they're not interested in meeting him, and good luck! The Loser has no idea what it was he said or didn't say, and he no longer cares. It no longer upsets him. It only baffles him.
He's learned this about women his age, which is middle: The overweight ones, which he just can't get romantically interested in (they've got to be lighter than he is, just as few women will go out with men shorter than they are) are very smart and kind. The thin ones are crazy.

The Loser Had a Second Date

Today, talking to a friend at work, the Complete and Total Loser defined his female ideal. 
"She's someone," he said, "who doesn't mind being seen in public with me." 
He was half kidding. Half.
He does have a fairly low bar when it comes to judging women, though. 

• Does she tower over him?
• Can she, if a native speaker, speak proper English?
• Would she crush him if she accidentally sat on him? 
• Is she an active criminal? 
• Could she ever love him?

The Loser had a second date with the woman he had a first date with last week. He chose a restaurant that was too noisy, but he enjoyed his time with her anyway and they had a nice embrace after he saw her to her door. 
His designs are selfish, and no, he's not talking about that four-second splurt men get when having sex. He's talking about being with someone who brings out the best in him and who he brings a good side out of. 
That's a tough thing to determine and not something the two can just talk about to see if it's happening. But the Loser thinks this woman may be someone who fits this, and he's eager to spend more time with her to see if it happens. 
And he realizes that even if it doesn't work out, he'll have had practice in presenting himself to women, practice most people have by the time they're 20, but practice he lacks. 

A fire hydrant on a city street appears ruined, yet it still works.

The Loser Nearly Had a Date!

Once week a season the Complete and Total Loser reactivates a free account he has on a dating site because the change in seasons makes his sap rise and you never know, his friends tell him.
And that week leads only to rejection and frustration, much like he experienced in real life when he still met single women who were age appropriate. 
This time, he nearly got a date out of it after some onsite messaging. Then she did something awful.
She read the Loser's profile.
The Loser, you see, rewrote his profile, making it honest. The fool.
Tomorrow, instead of dinning with a woman, the Complete and Total Loser will be watching a dull presidential debate in what is the dullest election he can remember.
And the woman? She'll probably be eating by herself, too.

 

Men for Women on Craigslist Post Titles

Learn to squirt, all women can
Older guy seeks a young black woman for time and company
Chat buddy
Tall, dark, handsome seeks younger lady open to moving to San Francisco
Kush and OJ type a girl
Sex right now!!
Older woman wanted for fun
Something different
Big ass and thighs for me!
I love big fake boobs
420!!
Attractive MWM for MWF
I am 50 Shades of Grey
Single African father of 2 girls looking for soul mate and partner
Wine/dine
Married male seeking affair
Seeking a special lady
Seeking submissive SWF
Lunch time car make-out session TODAY
50 Shades of Grey
Center City friends!! Let’s enjoy the summer
Home today, body aches/blues
Simplicity
Seeking female companionship
It’s time for a new experience
Looking for a nerdy, music loving black girl who wants an LTR
Yahoo chat anyone?
Any nice girls?

Women for Men on Craigslist Post Titles

Taking a chance
Boyfriend Wanted
My breasts need a play date
Drain those heavy balls in my mouth!
Genuine gentleman
Today
Looking for an honest hard-working man
With love, friendship, family and fun
BBW. Ok … who’s left?
Looking for the real thing
Looking for my soulmate
Sexy BBW
SBF seeking SWM
I’m a nice woman looking for love
Looking for a great friend and possibly a great man
Tired of being lonely
Seeking a burly tattooed man
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Searching mature SWF
Searching for my best friend
Beautiful SBW seeks SWM
Serious dating/relationship
BBW looking for someone who enjoys life
Tall SBG looking for tall SBM for friendship
Friends first
BBW looking for teddy bear
Skype?
Professional African woman
Looking for that special someone. Could it be you?
Any Latinos?
Looking for a good relationship
Looking for a down-to-earth guy
Seeking my submissive boyfriend
Waiting for this ...

How to Get and Keep a Woman (Poem)

Though you don’t need one, get a nice car.
The same goes for hair and for height.
Have two big houses, one near and one far,
And remember she’s always right.
Think of her only, shun city whores,
Listen when she talks of her friends.
Take her to dinner and open all doors,
Do all this till you need Depends.

I Get Girls’ Numbers (Poem)

Saturday is here it’s time to don
My grade-A party suit.
I’m sure that I will come upon
A babe who’s really cute.
Chicks dig me, yeah, they like my style
They think I’m clever, cool.
They talk with me for quite awhile;
A stud, I do so rule.
I think I meet chicks from TV,
This ain’t no shuck and jive;
The numbers that they give to me
All start with five-five-five.