Anything for money but that

Skepticism is funny. More of it often comes with age, and people who've been around for awhile can detect scams and bad reasoning with greater ease than the young. At times, their skepticism increases as if with momentum and many stop believing anything. Then there are others believe too much and eagerly forward email with crackpot ideas about microwave ovens and untrue stories about heroic dogs and cats. 
Some people used to believe everything and then stop believing anything. The opposite is also true.
The Complete and Total Loser, who used to believe everything (ESP, astrology, acupuncture, reincarnation, levitation, UFOs) thinks he may be in a sweet spot now, in his mid 50s. He doesn't fall for much and he investigates anything that sounds even slightly suspicious. 

That doesn't apply to this Craigslist employment ad: One look at it and you know that whoever signs up for it is in for nothing but trouble. Late payment if any, offices that are impossible to reach, likely because they're located in another country. And consider the premise: A company asking you to lie. 
This ad shows you why you can't trust reviews you read on the Internet.

On Craigslist Rants and Raves today

Craigslist Rants and Raves ... the anonymous forum for angry, racist, misogynistic men. It's usually a look at the dark side and is little used thanks to more effective social networking platforms. The Complete and Total Loser was surprised to find the following exchange today.

The original post:

I'm so excited (my world)

Hi cl world
I'm a 62yr lonely old man who's retired and on a fixed income.
I'm so excited that soon I will be getting a fish. A betta also known as a Chinese fighting fish. For the last several months I been getting things together, I've gotten a nice size fish bowl for it, and different colored marbles for the bottom. I even got a fake plant and rock with a hole in it for him to swim thru.
It's taken a while to get it all together but I'm getting close and getting excited, I'm pretty sure it's going to be happy in its new home.
I only need a few more things until I actually buy the fish. There very pretty and come in many colors.
I'm thinking of naming it Bobby, because that's a unisex name and I won't know if it's a male or female.
Yep Bobby the betta, cant wait ( :
If anyone has a better name, I'd like to hear from you.
Have a wonderful day everyone and remember to be kind to your pets

The Complete and Total Loser's post about it:

I think you may be someone just joking around (they're actually Siamese fighting fish, not Chinese, so I wonder if you're really getting one), but if not, fish are a good choice for pets. They're inexpensive compared to a dog or a cat, and if you go away for a day or even a weekend, you don't need to worry about their care. If you haven't had a fish recently, be sure to read up on how to take care of the water. I see these fish in pet stores in very small containers waiting to be taken home. The store near me stocks lots of them, so I guess they're pretty popular these days.
Another good thing about fish is that ultimately, they're fish. Something people eat all the time. While it's never pleasant when any pet dies, it's easier to take when it's a fish.
It would be good to put it someplace where you look at it while sitting. That has been shown to lower blood pressure.
For a truly unisex name, how about Chris or Pat? Also, the males are more brightly colored and have longer fins than females, so they can be sexed.
May you and your fish thrive for many years. 

The original poster responds to the Loser:

 

Yes I am for real, I haven't rescued Bobby from one of those cruel little shot glasses they are kept in at the pet store yet . He's going to have a nice roomy bowl when he arrives, unfortunately it probably won't be for a couple of weeks yet. I have to take two busses to go get him and I want it to be a nice and warm day when he finally comes home . I haveddone my homework and decided on a little fish because I am sometimes gone for long hours, 12, 14, sometimes even 16 hours and that would be totally unfair to do that to a dog, which I also like and plan on getting one day. But not until I don't have any place to go and he can go everywhere I go. ( :
And no I will NOT being fighting Bobby. I will be posting pictures in the soon future of Bobby and his happy home for everyone to see. Thanks everyone and remember to be kind to your pets

Another response:

Ok dude, your post has inspired me! I think I want to get a fish now too!! I used to have a beta when I was a young kid but being all irresponsible it ended up dying. I think I'm going to get one as well. Beta "fighting fish" are very beautiful and elegant, you've made a wise choice sir. Perhaps in time we can become good friends and have fish fighting championships! I'm not opposed to putting a little money on the table too! Perhaps we can find a dark alley or basement and have huge fish fights, we can invite a bunch of Asians because we know they have money and love to gamble. I'm not sure if fish fights are illegal or not but we'll build the biggest fish fighting circuit on the east coast. I'm going to start my aquarium this weekend and if I'm lucky I'll be able to score some performance enhancing drugs for my fish. I'll train that little bastard every day!!! He'll be so badass he can take down a piranha or even an Oscar. Yea man this is gonna be great, thanks for the idea!!
Nah, for real though, it's a nice idea and I think I want a nice aquarium with some fisheez swimming around. Thanks for the idea man✌️

Another response:
 
Aw, I am so happy that you are excited about your new fishy friend. I think that Bobby is a very cool name.
I am a huge animal lover who has had many pets through the years: Dogs, cats (a lot of cats), gerbils, a super smart parakeet that I was crazy about (and vice versa), turtles, an amazing bunny rabbit who thought she was a dog, gerbils, etc.
But one of my all time favorite pets was my goldfish, Beau, who lived to be 10. I got him and his brother, Sparky, for 10 cents each at a pet shop where they were being sold as piranha food. It's a very long, story that I could write a book about.
These two guys grew to enormous lengths; they were the best of buds; and they had personality to spare. Beau, who was absolutely beautiful, thought he was a dog. He would come to the top of the tank, stick his little head out and let people pet him. I would walk back and forth in front of his tank, and he would follow me. I would pull up a chair next to his tank and talk to him. The guy would come to the side of the tank and look up at me, and just listen. When he died, I grieved for him for months.
Anyone who says that fish are boring pets that don't have personalities doesn't know what they are talking about. They are great pets, that offer unconditional love and companionship.
So enjoy your new fishy buddy, my friend. May you have many happy years together.

A Craigslist ad

This is an ad for writers. No kidding. 

The Lawn Mower

Was it late October? Probably. That would have been the last time The Complete and Total Loser mowed his lawn. He put the mower, a Honda push mower he bought used on Craigslist last spring, back in the garage where it spent the long and severe winter months dripping out the remainder of its fuel. The last time it ran it ran unevenly, wheezing. The Loser will have it tuned up when the small mechanic's shop he can walk it to reopens next week. He filled it this morning just to see if he showed any signs of life. He bent and unbent his right arm a few times and said to himself, "Get ready to pull this chord a hundred times!" 
He pulled once.
It started.
Shit.
The grass, if you can call it that, was abandoned-house long. Not anymore. 
To reward himself, the Loser went to Trader Joe's where he bought a food wrap and a container of carrot juice that he took to the park and ate while watching others exercise, like the mothers in the photo below.

Two mothers push strollers as they run in Valley Forge National Park.

The Big Board

The stock market, which is not to be confused with the economy, soared yesterday and closed at its highest point ever. This makes rich people happy because it makes them richer. Interestingly, the Complete and Total Loser also gains from this because the money his late parents left him was in the form of stocks and he reaps the dividends, which this month were more than he'll earn at his low-paying job as a store clerk. 
This has put the Loser in an odd position; he hates a system that benefits him. Despite the extra money, he lives as he did before, eating out once every two months or so with the one friend who will dine with him. His only extravagance in the past year has been the occasional accessory for his early model digital SLR camera. A lens, a larger memory card. Even then, the Loser shops around, checking craigslist for weeks and, if he gives up, looking online for good deals. He's talentless as a photographer, as he is in everything else, but has the childish, warped notion that if he bought something better photographers used he, too, would be better. 
He knows, however, that it's not about the camera. It's the person using it.

A woman stands in front of a big building.

Men for Women on Craigslist Post Titles

Learn to squirt, all women can
Older guy seeks a young black woman for time and company
Chat buddy
Tall, dark, handsome seeks younger lady open to moving to San Francisco
Kush and OJ type a girl
Sex right now!!
Older woman wanted for fun
Something different
Big ass and thighs for me!
I love big fake boobs
420!!
Attractive MWM for MWF
I am 50 Shades of Grey
Single African father of 2 girls looking for soul mate and partner
Wine/dine
Married male seeking affair
Seeking a special lady
Seeking submissive SWF
Lunch time car make-out session TODAY
50 Shades of Grey
Center City friends!! Let’s enjoy the summer
Home today, body aches/blues
Simplicity
Seeking female companionship
It’s time for a new experience
Looking for a nerdy, music loving black girl who wants an LTR
Yahoo chat anyone?
Any nice girls?

The Loser and Craigslist

Losers often underline their loser qualities. They honking at women while driving. They sabotage the work of others. They start rumors. They take advantage of the inebriated.
While the Complete and Total Loser may revel in his loserdom, he has always refrained from these things. They are the actions of losers who think they're winners. It's bad enough to be a loser. Why magnify it?
Then there is craigslist.org, the cyberdock for fleets of losers lost at sea, in search of a harbor full of listeners to their loser rants and raves. In the Loser's home town, a large northern city, craigslist's rants and raves board teems with racists. To them, life would be a series of enjoyable events, with free money and lasting love around every corner, good health and fulfilling careers for all behind every door, if only ... black people went away. They sound trumpets to warn of the dangers of the dark skinned, publish links and paste essays on the inferiority of the African peoples, smear illustrations and poorly structured sentences not seen post 1950 outside the bathroom walls of a Mississippi boys room on their blank computer screens. Blacks are dirty. They spit on sidewalks. They litter. They kill. They—gasp!—undertip.
While they decry the problems of the race, not one has mentioned solutions actually possible in a democracy. As in most cities, this one has an active Big Brothers association, where men with free time can take a boy to a sporting event, an art museum, the zoo. He can tell the boy what he does and how he did it, encourage a love of learning, and be on the lookout for signs the boy is headed down an dangerous path and intervene if necessary. But that, to the craigslist racist, would be work.
The Complete and Total Loser, i.e., me, refuses to post negative things on craigslist save for his posts opposing exhortations of violence and meanness.
He gets each year the Zen Calendar, a collection of 365 quotes fitting the Zen view. He posted them on craigslist daily. A year or so after starting that, the Loser had a minor operation (hernia) which required general anesthesia. The morning following the operation, small poems on minor and major topics (pets, current events, death) flew through his head. He jotted them down and, perhaps still addled by the drugs, decided to share them them with the craigslist crowd. It became a challenge to him, like doing crossword puzzles to others, to publish one a day. He did so for about two years. Always after lasting fame and glory, he decided to publish them not only in his town but on the boards in New York and Los Angeles.
The reactions puzzled the Loser. He received over the years several complimentary emails. Yet on the board reactions were vituperative and vulgar, often encouraging him to commit suicide. They reacted as though they'd been mocked and duped, yet the Loser never failed to label his posts. Improved screening to prohibit posting in multiple cities put the kibosh on his efforts and he now only posts the Final Jeopardy! answer/question each weeknight in his home town and New York City.
A sample poem (you were wondering how bad they were), from May of 2008:

Squirrels

Squirrels are the rodents smartest,
They’re clever little creatures.
If they could talk they might be artists,
Painting, directing features.
Many say they’re big-tailed rats,
Both the girls and the fellas.
’Tis a notion spread by cats,
All of them insanely jealous.