Dating advice for men

 









The Complete and Total Loser bought this book for $1.50 at his library's used book store. He has no desire or intention to date in the foreseeable future, but he knows that he may want to in months to come. He'll put the book on a shelf where it will be at the ready for that time. He likes to think that after he reads it, women will be like putty in his hands.
**Update: This book is awful. Full of typos and bad writing, dated advice you already know. Save your money.**

Reading up

The Complete and Total Loser is immersed in books and videos designed to help him keep his resolution to have sex with a woman in 2014. 
He has tried to remake himself in the past and done some reading on it, but there was never as much material as there is now, and when he doesn't keep reading new things about how to talk to women he tends to run out of steam.
There are so many books and hours of videos on it now that he can't imagine that happening for quite a while this time.

The Loser may have met a woman by the time this chair is warm enough to sit on.

The Loser Had a Date

The Complete and Total Loser had a date last night -- his first in years -- and it went surprisingly well. Nice woman, nice looking, funny. She chose the restaurant, which was more expensive than the Loser usually frequents (French, and the waitress was French; he should have paid in Euros), but he can swing it these days. 

Years ago, it was common for strangers to sniff flowers worn by young girls.

He remembered to smile, to listen to her when she talked and to mirror her body language, like the advice books say (what they don't say is how do you do that when her body language is unmistakably feminine and you want to maintain your maleness?).  
They spent three hours together and there were no awkward pauses. Few, anyway, and none stuck. They even lightly kissed each others' cheeks when parting.
The Loser was home in time to watch the last half hour of the debate.
Wish the Loser luck on this. There's an outside chance it may work out and he may stop whining for once in his life.

The economy is still bad enough that even people who spend much money on hair care have to share beverages when on dates.

Children's Letters to the Loser #19

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

How can I get girls to notice me? 

Juan

Dear Juan,

A bird lives in the tiny house attached to the side of the Loser's late parents' house, where he's been living since they died last fall. It is a finch of some sort, the Loser thinks. The finch, a male, spent days dragging twigs into the house to make a comfortable nest. Now he sits on the pole of a nearby bird feeder and sings for hours a day, loudly for a creature the size of the Loser's thumb, to get a girl to notice him. It's been over a week and so far, he's still a bachelor. 

It is not easy to get girls' attention. 

Some will tell you to just be yourself and live normally and things will happen. Not true. Years ago the Loser asked a woman to see a movie with him in his non-threatening, oblique, I'm-gonna-be-there-anyway kind of way and saw the movie alone. A friend, a guy, who had girlfriends virtually on demand, advised the Loser to sell the idea of going to the movie harder. The Loser did this and saw the movie with the girl. Things didn't work out with the girl, of course, but the Loser had that one night 25 years ago that it looked as if they might and he cherishes the memory of it even now. Watch other guys who are successful with women. Develop routines. Practice in front of a mirror until you are -- magic word coming -- confident in your delivery. Once you've got the girl, then be yourself. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

A finch, but the Loser's not sure of this.

Advice for Men Seeking Wives

As the Complete and Total Loser's two or three occasional readers know, he's had zero luck with women. An unremembered date late next month will mark his fourteenth year of celibacy, which to the Loser means intercourse. 

Nonetheless, he has one piece of advice for men seeking wives. Here goes.

Avoid control freaks. The Loser's mother is one so he knows the type well. It may seem cute when they plan social engagements and tell you what to wear to this or that event, but as time passes it will morph into something ugly. They'll be old women nagging you about tiny details on things like where you've put the mail and how long it took you to go to a store and get items she's sent you to fetch, items you don't really even need.

One way to spot a control freak early in a relationship is go out to dinner. Women judge us by how we act toward the waitstaff. Are we polite, but not too personable to them? Good. (As an aside, it's never a good idea to be an asshole to someone who will be alone with your food and then have your credit card.) 

How is she about the meal she's received? Is she going on and on about how it wasn't cooked exactly how she asked it to be? Did she have a lot of demands on its specifics in the first place? If so, look out. By the way, if she's really investing a lot of energy into this meal and food in general, she is a foodie and will eventually be fat.