I've been working out, I'm huge

Arnold Schwarzenegger flexes an arm while in his prime.

After he swims, the Complete and Total Loser goes to the weight room at the college sports facility he visits three times a week and lifts weights a little. He's lifted weights off and on since he was in high school, but fell away from it for years until now.
The Loser is so dumb that he recently thought he'd gained muscle because when he bends his arms he feels a tightness he didn't feel two months ago. He realized, finally, that the tightness had nothing to do with increased muscle mass in his sagging arms but was because he's wearing two shirts instead of one to deal with the colder weather. The Loser is such an idiot sometimes. Not sometimes. Always.

Off the saddle

A man rides a Victorian-era bicycle.

The Complete and Total Loser's history of bicycling for exercise may have come to a close. He rode a few times, OK, twice, some days ago and his right knee—the one on the bad leg—aches and is making him walk like the gimp that he is but tries not to be. This will be sad, if true. The Loser's happiest times are when he's on a bike, exercising, rolling down roads, breathing great lungs full of fresh air. Without it, he'll just sit around and decay, watching his heart lose its tone as he packs on fat. 
Drat.

Spring exercise

Today, the Complete and Total Loser rode his bike for the first time in five months. He has the fat body and diminished lung capacity to show for his lack of exercise. The ride went well, even though he had to dismount on a steep hill near his house like a fat kid. 

Bagged leaves await pickup on a suburban street.

More remarkable is that he did not experience the aerobic-induced déjà vu he has for the past seven years after exercising hard following an absence of doing so. 
"That's odd," the Loser thought. The odd thing really was his finding it odd that he felt normal. He's searched on the net and asked his doctor about it and come up with nothing on both counts.

Bad Trip

As he writes this, the Complete and Total Loser is on a bad trip.
Not one caused by drugs he's taken. The drugs are in his mind. 
Earlier today he met with an ex-coworker and ate lunch. He went to his local library, where he took the picture seen here, then home. He changed and went for a bike ride. 
During the bike ride, he experienced exercise-induced déjà vu  which he often does when he's let his aerobic fitness slide a little. Don't try looking up exercised-induced déjà vu; the Loser is the only one who's ever experienced it, to his knowledge. He's asked his doctor about it and searched on the Web. It only exist with him.
After the ride, the déjà vu changed. Not changed, entirely, but something was added to it and that something is ill-feeling and profound sadness. and it's been coming and going in strong waves for the past hour or so, even though the Loser showered and took a nap. 
The feeling is not so powerfully bad that the Loser wants to seek medical aid, but it's the kind of feeling that makes him wish he were dead, now, and that he's sure he'll feel as he draws his last breaths. 
Not fun.
He'd go on longer, but the Loser is certain that he's written this exact post before, even though he knows empirically that he hasn't.

President Obama gazes at his wife, Michelle.

 

Loser of the Week 8/17-8/23

The Loser of the Week Award this week goes to anyone who believes things like the below, which is from Yahoo!'s site. It's a list of the old saws about drinking coffee, volunteering, and having great sex with a few current things tossed in, like not sitting too long. 
Are you going to listen to someone who misspells "benefiting"?

1. Run for five minutes a day. That’s it. Just five minutes. In a large study of 55,137 adults, runners lived, on average, three years longer than non-runners. The benefits were the same no matter how long, far, frequently or fast participants reported running: Those who ran less than an hour per week have the same mortality benefits compared to runners who ran more than three hours per week.

2. Drink coffee. An April 2014 review in the British Journal of Nutrition looked at 20 studies covering nearly 974,000 people. The overall findings came out in favor of java: Drinking coffee—especially three or more cups a day—was associated with lower risk of death by any cause. And now we know that if you do not have headaches, abnormal heartbeats, anxiety, or gastric upset from a cup of coffee, you are “genetically a fast metabolizer.” Fast metabolizers get all benefits from coffee, while slow metabolizers get all side effects.

3. Take responsibility. Research from the 1970s shows that it’s never too late to take responsibility for your own health and well-being. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that nursing home residents who took on responsibility—for instance, caring for a plant or choosing the flick for movie night—lived longer than those who relied on staff to make their decisions for them.

4. Volunteer. It’s estimated that 27 percent of Americans volunteer—and they may get back as much as they give. A review of multiple studies found that people who volunteer have a 20 percent reduction in mortality, plus lower levels of depression, higher life satisfaction and generally enhanced well-being. The researchers determined that the quality of life enhancements hinged on volunteers feeling like they’re benefitting emotionally from the work.

5. Have great sex. Duke University research spanning 25 years found that one of the most significant predictors of longevity for women was how much they enjoyed sex over the course of their lives. That, along with high health satisfaction and good physical function, helped add 23 years to women’s lives, on average.

6. Look on the not-so-bright side sometimes. A positive attitude is a powerful tool in your wellness arsenal, but so is a little healthy pessimism. People who are more realistic—that is, less idealistic—about their lives are more cautious, more prepared for difficulty and they tend to live longer than their optimistic peers.

7. Stand up! In a May 2014 study, researchers analyzed data from the Canada Fitness Survey and found that, for people who don’t exercise regularly, more time spent standing was linked with lower mortality from cardiovascular disease and death from “other causes” in a linear fashion. In other words, more standing, less dying.

There are people all over the world, especially in Asia, who sit for eighteen hours a day meditating and live long, healthy lives.

Surprised?

The Complete and Total Loser hasn't had any alcohol for over two weeks now. He is eating lots of fruit and vegetables, not eating bread or sweets, avoids chips and other salty snacks, not eating meat, sleeping well and exercising regularly. 
If it weren't for not having a job, family or anyone in his life who cared about him as he grows old, his life would be pretty good.

Children's Letters to the Loser #6

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Kids at school tease me because I'm fat. A lot of them are fat, too, but I'm fatter than they are. I try not to eat too much but I can't help it. My parents are fat and they make me eat all my meals because they say it's bad to waste food. Please help.

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

You don't say how old you are, but if I were you I'd do something about this situation as soon as possible. The eating habits you acquire when young are hard to break and may be with you for life. You don't mention exercise. The next time you're in your room reading a book, try standing up and walking in place while you're doing it. I know it's not a marathon, but it's exercise nonetheless. Small moves, Samantha. 

And I have to do something here I dislike doing: Recommend that an outside counselor become involved and talk with you and your parents together. I like people to solve their own problems whenever possible, but when parents are making you do something that's leading to an unhealthy situation, extra help is needed. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Exercise (Poem)

Exercise is good for you,
So do some every day.
It keeps us all from being blue;
It makes you feel OK.
Walk fast, run hard, swim and bike,
Lift weights or play some tennis.
Roll a big wheel down the pike,
Box a man named Dennis.
Throw a ball and do sit ups,
Ski down or cross a field.
Stand up tall and win some cups,
Use well what you were dealed.
Exercise will keep you fit,
Make sure to do it often.
I do much more than just a bit,
And will carry my own coffin.