Monday, February 8, 2016

Mystery building

A future indoor skydiving facility
A future indoor skydiving facility.
One of the reasons the Complete and Total Loser failed in his attempt to be a working journalist was his lack of natural curiosity. That cropped up yesterday when he and a friend saw a building near the movie theater the two had seen a recent release (Hail, Caesar!: Not bad, not great; not worth a trip to the theater). It was an odd looking building and the Loser's friend was intent on finding out what it was. The Loser, while mildly curious, was just as happy not knowing. He'd find out soon enough, when it was completed and signs went up or its purpose became otherwise apparent. The friend drove over (they had met at the theater and used separate cars), the Loser followed. The friend asked some construction workers who were taking a break from working on a Sunday and they told her. The building will be for indoor skydiving. 

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Jeb Bush and Please Clap

Jeb! Bush logo 2016Not that the Complete and Total Loser plans to vote for anyone on the Republican ticket this election year, but he thinks Bush is getting a raw deal on the "Please clap" video. If you watch it, you can see that he's going for a joke, not being pathetic. He know it's not obvious to anyone that he's made his point and finished talking, so he tells them to clap, but he does it in a wry sort of way.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Loser sees a play

The Complete and Total Loser doesn't usually like live theater, especially when it's done by students, but he saw a play last night at a local college that he liked very much. It was done in a room. The actors were largely in the center of the room, surrounded by the audience, which was small, and the play had a mostly religious (Christian) theme, also not a Loser favorite. How the actors kept their focus with audience members just feet away on the same floor as they were is beyond the Loser, but that's why he's a loser, instead of an actor. 
Also not hurting the play was that a member of the cast wore a dress that made her look like a knock out and she was pretty to begin with. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

The Loser and Riley's mom

In the Complete and Total Loser’s pathetic—and fruitless—search for love, he has sometimes put a profile of himself on OKCupid, a free dating service. He does this, reads women’s profiles, and sometimes sends them a message. The site informs him that they have viewed his profile and afterward he never hears from them again. C’est la vie!
In some rare instances women contact him first. They are usually not to the Loser’s liking, but he appreciates the effort and is polite when declining their invitations to meet, if they go that far. The most recent woman to do this has the screen name Rileysmom. (There are some digits after that, but the Loser will grant her anonymity.)

Riley’s mom is 60 years old (three years older than the Loser) and lives in Princeton, New Jersey. 

When filling out her profile, she put under “What I’m doing with my life”: 
I work 5 days a week and I have time for a real nice white guy with a good heart
(She forgot the period.)

The six things Riley’s mom could “never do with out” are:
my daughter
my car
my phone
my health

(That’s five; the Loser guesses that Riley’s mom is either a woman with simple needs or not a stickler when it comes to arithmetic.)

Riley’s mom spends “a lot of time thinking about”:
if I'm gonna find that one lucky guy who likes me for me
no games or bs

On a typical Friday night Riley’s mom is:
home cause I have to work on Saturdays

Men should message Riley’s mom if:
your (sic) real your (sic) a nice guy with a good heart. and u want to go out and do things. I don't have time for games or your bs JUST saying

Below is the entire exchange between Riley’s mom and the Complete and Total Loser:

Riley’s mom:
wow your profile really sucks

Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks! Take care and stay warm!

Riley’s mom:
you too loser

Complete and Total Loser:
Thank you very much for your interest. I think, however, that we live too far apart to make seeing each other practical, as nice as the Princeton area is. I wish you success on this site and a happy 2016!

Riley’s mom:
I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth. get real. ass

Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks for getting back to me! Yes, it does seem dumb to let distance get in the way of meeting, but I’m sure there are plenty of good men closer to you in Princeton, and I
ve met good women in my area. Of course, there’s no reason we can't keep up our friendly banter online! I think it’s downright sexy when women contact men first the way you did. In our traditional society, its still usually the man who is expected to make first contact. And hey—if you’re ever in Philadelphia’s western suburbs, lunch or dinner is on me! Your daughter Riley is lucky to have such a kind, understanding, intelligent and bold mother. Got a lot of snow to start shoveling. Later!

Friday, January 22, 2016


las estrellas safety matches from croatia
From Croatia: Lesestrellas safety matches.
Sometimes it's the little things you find in your dead parents' house. These matches, for example. How long have they been sitting around? The Complete and Total Loser doesn't know. But get this: They're made in Croatia. Who the hell has matches made in Croatia?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Girl Scout Cookies

The Complete and Total Loser bought some Girl Scout cookies a few days ago. He noticed that they've gotten smaller over the years. Either that or the Loser, a runt, has somehow grown. 
Not that smaller cookies are a bad thing. Everyone's too fat these days. Besides, you don't buy them for the price; you buy them to keep prepubescent suburban white girls off the streets.  
peanut butter sandwich girl scout cookies
The Loser's favorite girl scout cookie: peanut butter sandwich.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Powerball

Powerball lottery ticket on a window sill
A Powerball lottery ticket sits on a window sill, waiting to be a worthless scrap of paper.
Tomorrow morning, the Complete and Total Loser will wake up and hear on the radio that the winning Powerball lottery ticket had been sold in a small town far from where the Loser is wasting his meaningless life. 
No matter. He finds that the fantasies he had after buying his ticket (five of them, actually) were worth it, even though revenge factored into some of them and he dislikes that aspect of them. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Waking up

david bowie candy clark the man who fell to earth
David Bowie and Candy Clark in Nicholas Roeg's 1976 The Man Who Fell to Earth.
The Complete and Total Loser's clock radio woke him at 5:35 a.m. today with the blare of a rock chord. This puzzled the Loser because the radio was on a public radio station that plays the BBC World News station from midnight to six a.m. Usually, the Loser wakes to the gentle sound of a man reading the news in received pronunciation English. 
The reason was, of course, that the story was about the death of David Bowie. 
The Loser liked Bowie and the movie The Man Who Fell to Earth still ranks in his top five. The Loser admires that he died on his own terms; friends and family only, no media circus. 
The Loser will no doubt approach his own demise like the needy coward that he is, but he'll try to have at least some of Bowie's resolve and dignity.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Free advice

welsh corgi standing on fallen tree
"Well," the dog said, "it's a big tree, yes, but if you apply yourself for a few hours a week you should be able to chop into small enough pieces to supply yourself with firewood for some time. Of course, being a Complete and Total Loser, you'll probably be too lazy to do that and you'll pay some tree guys two grand to get rid of it. They'll chop into firewood and sell it and you won't get any of that money, you loser."

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Loser is special

doctor's examining room
The examining room the Loser sat in today.
The Complete and Total Loser's knee hurts. It's slowing him down and making him lose sleep, and after a full day at his shit retail job it hurts more than usual for a solid day. He wants to get cortisone injections and had an appointment today to arrange that.
The doctor he saw—sharp guy, probably in his mid to late thirties—said he'd been in the joint business for fifteen years and that he showed the Loser's X-rays to an associate who'd been doing it for twice that and that neither had seen a knee like the Loser's.
For people like the Loser, who's never been exceptional at anything in any way, this is a point of pride.  
The injections begin in a week.

Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year's Day, 2016

happy new year electronic card
This electronic card is the only acknowledgement the Complete and Total Loser got from anyone that it is New Year's Day and someone is wishing him well. The card came from a telephone number the Loser is unfamiliar with, which made him hesitate to open it. He did and email the sender his thanks, noting that he had no idea who she, presumably, is. 
The Loser hasn't heard back yet.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas 2015

Christmas cookies
The Loser got these an hour ago. They're gone now. He ate them to try to fill a hole in his miserable, lonely life.
It is warm and sticky where the Complete and Total Loser lives, which is on the northern East Coast of the United States. It has yet to go down to freezing. There are bugs everywhere, new growth on plants. Earthworms are rioting in the streets after yet more rain. The humidity makes the Loser feel the bacteria clinging to his face, which is oily even though he's in late middle age. His sole gift has been a tin of nuts from a friend, and he's grateful to get it as he's unemployed again. A neighbor just gave him cookies, which he will eat even though he doesn't need them. Meanwhile, the Loser has a splitting headache and a bad cold and he's exhausted.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Life at times

Thanks to what happened last night around ten o'clock, every cent (and more) the Complete and Total Loser has made at his seasonal $9 McJob will now be spent on removing tree debris. You just can't win sometimes. Especially if you are the Complete and Total Loser.
fallen tree

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Star Wars

star wars logoLong before the Complete and Total Loser was an insufferable adult, he was an insufferable youth. When Star Wars debuted in late May of 1977, the Loser went to see it and was disappointed. At the time, he was interested in "film," as he called it, and sought movies with compelling, interesting people and ideas. George Lucas's movie had neither.
star wars illustration
The Loser grew up in some ways and came to take the movie as the fun adventure it was meant to be. He hopes that when he has a day off and views—alone, of course—the latest in the franchise that he'll be able to enjoy it for what it is. 
princess leia competition
This has nothing to do with the original Star Wars movie or this post, but who cares?