Why must I be?

This teenage girl and boy both had skateboards and were kissing deeply outside a train station. When they weren't kissing, they looked at each other like this, as if they were the first and only two people ever to feel the way they did. It was nice to see.

Tangled sheets

The Loser and the woman he's seeing had a long, pleasant night (and morning) together. 

Having (middle-aged) Sex

The Complete and Total Loser had sex two weeks ago. He didn't have an orgasm, but he did manage to put his penis in his partner's vagina and keep it going for some time. She liked it, but she likes it more when he performs orally on her, which the Loser is happy to do, though he sort of wishes she'd cut her pubic hair shorter. 

A juvenile representation of a vagina.

The decades of lonely masturbation may have ruined the Loser for conventional sex. His penis, used to his own firm grip, has been desensitized. When she takes him in her mouth, it feels as though he's dipped his organ in a glass of warm water. When in her, he's not sure how much of him is inside, how much outside. He likes putting his fingers in and around her better. He can feel the textures, folds, little channels and moist passageways better. 
She lives in another state and is raising children, so their rendezvous are infrequent at this time. She genuinely likes the Loser, and he her, so there will be other attempts in the near future. 

Everywhere the Loser looks what does he see? Women!

Leave me alone

I'm here, by myself, wearing sunglasses and ear buds, reading my magazine, and that's how I want it. Leave me alone. I have zero interest in talking to you. There's no one else even sitting on this bench. It's fine with me if someone does, but if they do, they're not welcome to talk to me. At all. Mind your own business. Just leave me alone. If I wanted to talk to you, I would. I have all the friends I want. Go away. Beat it. Scram.

The day off

Went to three shopping places for groceries. Trader Joe's, Acme, Whole Foods. Got dried things at Trader Joe's (banana chips, figs, almond butter). Got chicken at Acme (two for one packages of thighs; they taste good and "thigh"

The Loser's driveway.

is one of the Loser's favorite words), instant coffee, cut up pineapple. Got tabbouleh salad at Whole Foods (theirs is the best) and soy half-and-half, which Trader Joe's has but theirs goes bad sooner than the Loser can use it. Curdles. Saw sister-in-law with her son in Whole Foods parking lot. The son, 15, is huge. The sister-in-law is a cultural cliche; tall, blond, SUV. Went home and ate tuna salad roll up from

A skinny girl.

 Trader Joe's, washed down with a seven-ounce Rolling Rock. Sent tax documents to guy brother recommended. Swept part of driveway. Doing so calms the Loser in a Zen way. Always surprising how just a few feet of sweeping fills a trash can with debris. You don't see how much there is when it's all spread out. Found claw gardening tool with long handle in garage, started tearing up part of garden in back yard, where the Loser wants to start a vegetable garden. After about nine square feet, the claw came off the handle. Old, perhaps. Mid thirties outside, which it shouldn't be, but the weather hasn't been what it should be for years, if you think about it. The outdoor work failed to warm the Loser up, as if his body's thermostat is set to spring. The Loser saw a skinny girl going sleeveless on the train platform just two days ago. 

Haunted by 20s

The best year of the Complete and Total Loser's life was 1988. He was living overseas, had a job he'd gotten decent at but not yet tired of, was young and in love. For more than one but less than three magic days it looked like the Loser's love would be reciprocated without complications.
It wasn't, naturally, but the Loser still wouldn't choose a life without those days.
Oddly, when in the course of his low-level retail job/life the Loser finds an old twenty-dollar bill, it is nearly always once from that year. It's like they've been sent from the past to mock him.

Things are not what they seem

Things are not what they seem. Not always, that is. Sometimes they are. But not always. Take that couple in love, the rich man or woman, the successful actor, singer, writer or artist, the smooth body of water. All seems good, but underneath is a roiling mass of confusion, doubt, sadness, anxiety. Or water.

Looks like this van is supporting that large boom, doesn't it? It's not.

Stop the presses!

The Complete and Total Loser may have found a woman who will deign to be with him without being his coworker. A girlfriend. That's an impossible phrase for the Loser, who has yet to have one in his 55 years.
And yet. She smiles when she sees him, she laughs at his jokes, she kisses him. All that (and yes, a bit more) and she's not insane, as far as the Loser can tell, though he may be a poor judge of that.
More later, though the Loser is old fashioned and gentlemanly about what he divulges when it comes to tits, fucking, things like that. 

The Loser knows he'll never have this -- youth and love. But he may have some love.

Why I love the Japanese

From Amazon.com: 
INTRODUCTION Series take off first girl selected carefully ! 's First naked not necessarily be monthly [ ( Hatsu et al.) First naked ] , for the name is the work of a good woman limited . The baking the beauty of the nude " first " of a good women , to deliver to everyone . As soon as erotic wear debut shock of the year up to run to the industry by the end of the year ! In " excavation Pretty Revolution " , all a big hit ! Of BAGUS, nay six past work in Japan wearing won the overwhelming popularity Ace of erotic world " Yano not summer " chan he was decided to nude showing off ! I be able to worship the figure ... naked to a naked outstanding summer chan odious system 100 cm G-cup bust , healing ! masterpiece of nude image that can be accomplished in 100% summer Yano not charm ... life-size also different is the complete and Chirarizumu of erotic wear . [ DATA ] ☆ NAME: Mika Yano ☆ Age: 21 ☆ BIRTHDAY: 1991/8/1 ☆ BIRTHPLACE: Tokyo ☆ BloodType: Recommended Movies B ※ 18 years of age or older ( nude image ) Contents ( " Kinemajunposha " database) Was particular about to take off first girl to " first naked " series , Ace Yano not summer -chan wearing erotic world appeared . It was bear fruit G-cup , a 100cm bust , figure stark-naked in the dew . Charm that is different from the Chirarizumu of erotic wear is full ! 

Percocet, alcohol, vomit

What happens is you're so relaxed your esophagus opens and doesn't reject the vomit as it normally would, so if no one's there to turn you on your side and clear air passages you choke on it. 

This just happened last week to a man I knew. He was in his late twenties and not, I think, doing more drugs than many his age who feel a little lost in life. It's as nearly a death by chance as someone in high spirits not thinking to look before stepping into a street. That momentary lapse in judgement has robbed him of decades of life. 
The older you get, the more shocking such fragility becomes to you.

Dating

The Complete and Total Loser has actually paid money to join a dating site. 
He's not sure why he's done this. The age-appropriate women there and in his league are sad and not very literate. He's heard from a few who may be viable, but in the near month he's been on the Loser hasn't actually met with anyone. 
That may change Saturday. A woman who seems as low key as the Loser will meet him for dinner after work. If she's the type who responds to non-needy types, the Loser has a chance. His libido is at a low and if she doesn't show up at the appointed place he'd be quite happy to dine alone. 
Last week, the Loser had lunch with two friends, both women in their 40s. He shot the photo below of a young lovely who was in the same place, eating with her boyfriend. You know something about eating on a bright day when you're in your 40s? You don't sit by a window like this girl did. The light is not kind to your skin at that age.

No heat, no lights, no phone

The power went out in the Complete and Total Loser's area for six days. It took a week after that for the phone and Net to get back on. America looks more like a developing nation every year. 

Every year, newspapers get smaller and smaller and there are fewer of them. Their end may coincide with this man's death.

Wire Advice

No power, no heat, no net. Candlight dinners in a 40 degree house. Covers the thickness of some mattresses. 
Advice to power companies: 
Put the goddam wires underground. 
Put the goddam wires underground!
Put the goddam wires underground!

Angry Birds

Are bird feeders good or bad?
Maybe good, in that they help birds survive in lean times. Maybe bad, because they keep birds from foraging on their own. And all that food seems to distract them, making them an easy target for cats, which decimate bird populations (Jonathan Franzen's "Freedom" describes this well with accurate numbers). 
The Complete and Total Loser's mother, who would have been 83 last weekend, liked bird feeders. The Loser would argue against her policy of keeping them filled all summer but she did it anyway. Good old Mom. The Loser hasn't filled them in the summers he's lived in his dead parents' house the past two years, but does after severe weather, like this year's winter. The birds fight each other for the cold seeds.

Lung Cancer

A coworker of the Complete and Total Loser learned recently that his mother has lung cancer. About 75 percent of lung cancer victims are dead in two years. Is his coworker upset? Sure. Has he quit smoking? Nope. Has the Loser said, "You really should quit smoking"? 
No. He's proud of himself for not saying that.
But he should.

Eric Lawson died Jan. 10 at his California home. The cause was respiratory failure due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, or COPD. The ruggedly handsome Lawson portrayed the smoking cowboy in Marlboro print ads from 1978 to 1981. He also had bit parts in such TV shows as Baretta and Charlie's Angels before injuries sustained on the set of a Western film ended his acting career. A smoker since age 14, Lawson later appeared in an anti-smoking commercial that parodied the Marlboro Man and an Entertainment Tonight segment to discuss the negative effects of smoking. (People Magazine)