Mr. and Mrs. Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

And so between them both, you see,

They licked the platter clean.

We are so fat

We are all so fat now that they actually have to have kits to give extra support to toilets. Just think. We break the things we sit on to get rid of the shit all that food produces. 

This toilet has been reinforced because people are so fat these days.

Oh, for fuck's sake

The Complete and Total Loser has a dating profile. He's ashamed of this, a little, and he hasn't followed up on anyone who's contacted him for over a year. Cold feet. Still, his ego likes it when some poor woman reaches out to him.
It's a free site but they encourage you to upgrade it by paying. One of the things that an upgrade will let you do is screen to a greater degree. Every time the Loser does anything on the site, the page refresh suggest three women he "might like." 
The below is one he got today. Guess how she described her body type. If you said "a little extra," you'd be wrong. "Curvy"? Nope. She thinks she's "average." 
The Loser is a dishonest man, but even he notes on his profile that he's bald and crippled. 

Children's Letters to the Loser #6

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Kids at school tease me because I'm fat. A lot of them are fat, too, but I'm fatter than they are. I try not to eat too much but I can't help it. My parents are fat and they make me eat all my meals because they say it's bad to waste food. Please help.

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

You don't say how old you are, but if I were you I'd do something about this situation as soon as possible. The eating habits you acquire when young are hard to break and may be with you for life. You don't mention exercise. The next time you're in your room reading a book, try standing up and walking in place while you're doing it. I know it's not a marathon, but it's exercise nonetheless. Small moves, Samantha. 

And I have to do something here I dislike doing: Recommend that an outside counselor become involved and talk with you and your parents together. I like people to solve their own problems whenever possible, but when parents are making you do something that's leading to an unhealthy situation, extra help is needed. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser