Children't Letters to the Loser #21

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Steve and I have been best friends since we were in kindergarten. Now we're both 16. We've been going to separate schools since we were ten. Even though we still live across the street from each other I almost never see Steve because he's always out with his other friends on weekends. I don't have many friends at my school and no one invites me to parties or anything. I'm not awful, but people don't seem to need my presence. On weekends I just stay home and watch TV or go online. What can I do about my social life?

Bill

Dear Bill,

Welcome to my world. The Loser's own weekends when he was your age were like yours and they're like that now. The Loser had some friends along the way, was social in college, and even had sex a few times, many years ago. But the huge majority of his time was spent in an uninteresting cocoon. No, cocoon's the wrong word; it implies transformation into something more developed, something better. That didn't happen. Call it a bubble, a shell. Looking back, the only thing the Loser would change about those years is that he would have watched less television and read more.

This isn't what you wanted to hear, I know, and I'm sorry Bill. You may be a Complete and Total Loser in waiting. If so, I'm sorry, but without losers in the world how would the winners know they are winners?

Your comrade,

The Complete and Total Loser

Losers are everywhere. You just have to look for them.

Children's Letters to the Loser #20

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I am sixteen years old and a month from now I'll be out of school for the year. My parents keep telling me that I have to get a summer job even though they make plenty of money. They want me to, as my dad puts it, "learn the value of a buck." I'm not lazy but there just are no jobs where I live. I've looked, but they tell me I haven't looked hard enough. What can I do?

Geoff

Dear Geoff,

Your parents are wrong. Everyone knows that the value of a buck is one hundred cents. Case closed. You should not have a summer job and you should stop looking for one immediately. But note this: If you hadn't said your parents "make plenty of money" the Loser would say the opposite. But you did.

Years ago, when the Loser was just a few years older than you are, he worked briefly for a film crew that was making a feature length movie that never got released. He worked as a gopher (go for this, go for that; gopher). The job lasted just three weeks and the screenwriter, who wrote for a local television station, liked the Loser enough that he told him he could get the Loser an unpaid internship at the station for the rest of the summer. Alas, the Loser demurred. His parents, like yours, made plenty of money and would have given the Loser their blessings, but he never even asked them. He feared that his two older brothers would have disparaged the Loser, called him spoiled, pampered. So he went back to working at a rundown movie theater, selling popcorn and cleaning toilets.

It was one of the Loser's bigger mistakes in life.

Work out another arrangement with your parents. Maybe there's unpaid work you can do in a field you're interested in around. Do volunteer work for an organization that does something you think is worthy or even one that does something you know nothing about. Hell, if the Loser had ever had a kid, he'd pay the kid $50 for every book the kid read from an agreed on list. Your parents think washing dishes or doing yard work will teach you something, but those are things you should be doing around the house anyway. Besides, there are far too many people of all ages who need jobs right now for real reasons. You should not take one from them, even for the summer.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

The apron's adorable but really, what's the point?

Children's Letters to the Loser #19

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

How can I get girls to notice me? 

Juan

Dear Juan,

A bird lives in the tiny house attached to the side of the Loser's late parents' house, where he's been living since they died last fall. It is a finch of some sort, the Loser thinks. The finch, a male, spent days dragging twigs into the house to make a comfortable nest. Now he sits on the pole of a nearby bird feeder and sings for hours a day, loudly for a creature the size of the Loser's thumb, to get a girl to notice him. It's been over a week and so far, he's still a bachelor. 

It is not easy to get girls' attention. 

Some will tell you to just be yourself and live normally and things will happen. Not true. Years ago the Loser asked a woman to see a movie with him in his non-threatening, oblique, I'm-gonna-be-there-anyway kind of way and saw the movie alone. A friend, a guy, who had girlfriends virtually on demand, advised the Loser to sell the idea of going to the movie harder. The Loser did this and saw the movie with the girl. Things didn't work out with the girl, of course, but the Loser had that one night 25 years ago that it looked as if they might and he cherishes the memory of it even now. Watch other guys who are successful with women. Develop routines. Practice in front of a mirror until you are -- magic word coming -- confident in your delivery. Once you've got the girl, then be yourself. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

A finch, but the Loser's not sure of this.

Children's Letters to the Loser #18

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

My mother says my two sisters and I have to go to church until we're confirmed. After that, we won't have to go anymore. I don't believe in God and I don't think I should have to go at all and that it should be up to me. What can I say to her?

Peter

Dear Peter,

The Loser agrees with you. No one should be taught any faith at all until they've attained the ability to question what they're being taught. This age will vary with the complexity of the topic. Children shouldn't be taught religious doctrine any more than they should quantum mechanics or string theory. Sadly, what your mother is doing is legal and even advocated by many. I suggest you bear it as well as you can. Try to see it as lessons in Western thought. Meanwhile, spend time reading scientific explanations of how the earth, the universe, and humans came into existence and what the future holds. It is fascinating reading and unlike religious thought, new material gets added every year as our knowledge and horizons expand. It's impossible to guess how far ahead humans would be now from where we are if not for the brakes religious dogma put on reason.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

An image from the Hubble.

Children's Letters to the Loser #17

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I want to be a writer but I go to a public school where no one has time to read anything I've written and none of the classes I take offer any chances to write anyway. What can I do?

Jacob

Dear Jacob,

Raymond Carver, writing.

The Loser is a failed writer so he knows something about this but will try not to go on and on the way he does sometimes. 

The best art teacher the Loser ever had (he majored in art) was in high school. Mr. Finch said said simply this: "If you want to learn to draw, draw." Simple enough. The same applies to writing. The problem with both is, as you indicated in your question, feedback. If you're in study hall and you're  drawing something good in a sketchbook, someone will see it and say, "Wow, that's good!" Not so if you're writing something good. And publishing it somehow doesn't necessarily help because other things get in the way. Reading takes a greater commitment than viewing a picture so people are more judgmental and less likely to read something that doesn't grab them right away or is by a known author they like. 

So writing's an uphill battle even if you're good. But some do make a living at it, unlike the Loser, who is a middle aged cashier. Here are some words of advice:

• Read a lot and good things. If a really good sentence or passage strikes you, read it again. Maybe even copy it down someplace.
• Write. Keep a journal. Consider getting a cheap notebook and writing with a pen instead of using your computer. You'll write differently that way and pay more attention to what you're writing as you're writing it. There are good books on writing. Look into getting them.
• Learn basic rules of grammar and subtle things about punctuation for American English. Did you know that periods and commas always go inside quotation marks? That you don't capitalize the names of the seasons? That you don't say "twelve noon" or "twelve midnight" but just "noon" and "midnight"? That it's toward, not towards and backward not backwards? Many don't know these and dozens of other rules. Knowing them is the mark of a professional. 
• Work for your school newspaper if there is one. Writing is an art, journalism is a trade. But you will be able to write for publication, which will affect your nerves more than you can imagine. You'll make mistakes and hundreds of copies of them will make it into print. People will mock what you've written or find mistakes in it. This will thicken your skin but in a good way.
• Listen to people and talk to them. Interact with others. To make a solid building, you need sturdy materials. To write solid prose, you need to go outside your imagination. People are your quarry. 
• Learn about things and learn how to research. The Loser just finished reading Rabbit is Rich by John Updike. Updike showed great knowledge of contemporary Toyota dealerships and what it was like to invest in gold in 1980. Why would he know that? The Loser has no idea, but it gave the book a realism it wouldn't have had otherwise.
• Find someone who will read your work. Not a publisher; they're swamped. See if there's even one teacher at school who will read your work and offer criticism. If you live in a big enough area, there may be classes and workshops for young writers.
• Don't rely on the web. Yes, you can post something on facebook and tell your friends to read them and they'll tell you how good it is. This is worthless. So are blogs. On average, just two people a day look at the blog you are reading now and the Loser gets one comment a year. 
• Do this now. The Lose always had a career in writing in the back of his mind but didn't get the confidence to pursue it until it was too late. He ended up a cub reporter and was passed over for promotion by someone half his age.

Children's Letters to the Loser #16

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

What should I say to kids at school who want to be better friends on facebook than I want them to be? 

Claire

Dear Claire,

What's facebook? 

Don't worry, I'm kidding. I'm not that old or out of it. I don't, however, have a facebook account. I've never understood it. The number of friends the Loser has is miniscule, but they are real friends. If my house burnt down or I needed money, they'd come through for me as I would for them. The more time you spend offline the better, but here I am telling you this on a blog! 

Tell your friends that you're busy and trying to minimize the amount of time you spend on facebook. And then make that true. Twenty years from now, get in touch with me so you can shower me with thanks while you're surrounded by adults who have no idea how to communicate with one another.

There are rabbits in the backyard where I'm living now. Last night, at dusk, they played the simplest game there is: Chase. One would chase the other and after a while they'd switch. Imagine. All that fun without technology.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Children's Letters to the Loser #14

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I have no idea what to get my mother for Mother's Day. Everything I've gotten her in the past just ends up in the closet, and making things for her makes me feel silly because I'm 14 years old. I don't have enough money to get her something really nice. Any advice?

Brittni

Dear Brittni,

As the (yes, the) regular reader of The Complete and Total Loser knows, the Loser's mother died less than seven months ago and his father died less than two months after that, so he's been thinking a lot about Mother's Day as this will be his first one without a mother. 

The Loser is his family's iconoclast and has never been a fan of what he -- and others -- call "department store holidays" like Mother's Day and Father's Day. Then again, the Loser doesn't like Christmas or birthdays either. He believes we should revel in appreciation for our parents, desire for universal goodwill and the passage of time on a daily basis. But the majority disagrees and it can be wearing sometimes to constantly explain and defend yourself. Be creative with your gift. I have dozens of ideas, but telling you them would rob you of the chance to come up with your own, so I'll just quote a favorite bumper sticker: The important things in life aren't things. 

Yours,

The Complete and Total Loser

The Bath by Mary Cassatt, 1893

Children's Letters to the Loser #10

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Both of my parents have been unemployed for more than a year so we don't have a lot of money. I don't think the things they spend the money they do have on are fair. For example, they have wine sometimes with dinner but they won't spend extra money to upgrade our internet service or get me a smart phone. How can I persuade them to be fair?

Kenneth

Dear Kenneth,

You have a point. When finances get stressed, gadgets and alcohol should be cut equitably. But your letter doesn't tell me enough to know how unfair your parents are being. For example, do you have cable TV? If so, that's an extra, as would be a smart phone. People existed fine without either for decades and you can still get high def shows with a conventional aerial, though you may need a converter box if your television is old, and you can get surprisingly recent movies at any library. Are there ever any snacks in your house? Cookies, pastries, chips? Those too are unnecessary. Moderate drinking, which I assume is all your parents are doing, can relieve stress, albeit only temporarily. Their situation is a stressful one these days, perhaps more stressful than they're letting you know. Try to see it as their little escape from a difficult situation that allows them to regroup and approach the next day with renewed hope. Find ways for you to do this for yourself. Read a book you like, practice drawing, learn a magic trick.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

A girl uses a smart phone next to an empty payphone box.

Children's Letters to the Loser #6

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Kids at school tease me because I'm fat. A lot of them are fat, too, but I'm fatter than they are. I try not to eat too much but I can't help it. My parents are fat and they make me eat all my meals because they say it's bad to waste food. Please help.

Samantha

Dear Samantha,

You don't say how old you are, but if I were you I'd do something about this situation as soon as possible. The eating habits you acquire when young are hard to break and may be with you for life. You don't mention exercise. The next time you're in your room reading a book, try standing up and walking in place while you're doing it. I know it's not a marathon, but it's exercise nonetheless. Small moves, Samantha. 

And I have to do something here I dislike doing: Recommend that an outside counselor become involved and talk with you and your parents together. I like people to solve their own problems whenever possible, but when parents are making you do something that's leading to an unhealthy situation, extra help is needed. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Children's Letters to the Loser #5

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

My parents say I text my friends too much even though I don't text any more than my friends do. Besides, we have a plan that includes unlimited texting, so money's not the problem. We have agreed to listen to you.

Brendan, age 13

Dear Brendan,

Your parents should not be concerned that you text too much; they should be concerned that you text at all. As much fun as you have getting that little adrenal hit from getting a response from a text, you should be made aware that it is a shallow, moronic, low-class and sometimes dangerous form of human communication, even worse than a phone call. One reason our species has survived and done well (too well, as a matter of fact, but that's a different topic), is that we engage in complex forms of intercourse (stop snickering, all of you) that has enabled us to unite in ways few other animals can. (Except ants, maybe. Again, another topic.) If you were my son I'd take your cell phone and smash it against a hard, pointed surface. Then I'd tell you to find someone you want to talk with, look him or her in the eye, and talk. At length.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Children's Letters to the Loser #4

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I am in sixth grade and I have not been doing well in math this year. Not at all. In fact, no matter what I do, my teacher and my parents say I'll probably have to go to summer school. I don't want to do that! What can I do? I'm never going to need to know this crap anyway.

Alex, age 12

Dear Alex,

When the Complete and Total Loser was in ninth grade he, like you, was doing badly in math. He needed an 80 in his final exam to get a passing grade for the year. He took the exam. He got a 42. There was no way out of it, so he went to summer school for six weeks. 

He liked it. Each day covered a week's worth of material so the teacher, who wasn't a teacher at his school, taught efficiently at a brisk pace. They had two hours of algebra in the morning, then two hours of geometry in the afternoon. For the first time, the Loser could follow the ideas presented to him and absorb the abstract methodology behind them. Also for the first time, the Loser did well. When he went into tenth grade he again didn't do well in math, but he did better than before and passed his courses for the rest of his high school years.

As for not needing to know how to solve equations, you know what? You're right! You won't. But try to see it this way: Math is a discipline. Mastering it, or at least trying hard enough to that you pass, will train your mind in ways that may not have practical applications now but will give you the ability to see other sides of things that have nothing to do with math in the future. 

Hang in there, Alex.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Children's Letters to the Loser #3

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I am a boy and I have two little sisters who bug me all the time. If I hit them my mom and dad get mad but if I don't hit them they bug me even more. What should I do?

Zachary, age 11

Dear Zachary,

Do not hit your sisters. You are bigger and stronger than they are and will usually be so as you grow up. That makes hitting girls and women always an unfair fight, which is the mark of a coward. The greatest defense you'll ever have is your ability to think and express yourself. Learn to reason with your sisters instead of using brute force. Try saying something like, "If you leave me alone until I finish my homework, I'll show you how to play a cool game I just got." Besides the matter of fairness, your self interest is involved here. Before long, your sisters will bring home friends. Girls. You never know if one of these girls may be someone you'll have an interest in, so the more highly they think of you the better, and guess who will be telling them about you?

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Edgar Degas's Spartan Girls Challenging Boys

Children's Letters to The Loser #2

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

I am a twelve-year-old boy. Everybody tells me that I act too young and that I should grow up and act older. I try to sometimes but I don't really know how or even what they mean. Please tell me what to do.

Sincerely,

Farhan

Dear Farhan,

You know what I just did? I was eating some chips and walking at the same time, so I synchronized my footsteps to chewing the crunchy chips and pretended that I was trying to walk silently in the forest but failing miserably. It made me laugh. And, Farhan, I am almost 54 years old! My point is that you shouldn't always listen to others. Sometimes it's good to keep some of the child in you long after it has gone away in others. Sometimes, but not always. What is it that you're doing that makes people say this? If it's things like crying because you don't get your way or not listening to others, maybe you should try to change that and be more like your peers. But if it's because you like to play in certain ways or read books, watch shows or draw things others don't, don't let others determine what's best for you. Do, however, learn to keep some things you like that are deemed childish semi private. Much of life is about compromise, and even I wouldn't tell other adults about what I do when I eat chips. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

Children's Letters to The Loser #1

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

My name is Amy. I am eight. I have a cat named Tiger who is very bad sometimes. No matter what I do, he still does bad things. What should I do with my bad cat?

Sincerely,

Amy

Dear Amy,

Do nothing. Your cat is an animal and when we anthropomorphize we often do the wrong thing. What you see as "bad," Tiger sees as natural behavior. When you play outside you probably kill many insects by stepping on them without even realizing it. In your view, you're just doing normal things, but in the view of other insects you are a cold-hearted murderer. If you punish Tiger you will end up feeling guilt years from now, guilt that will be as searing well into your adult years as if what caused it happened only days ago. And if Tiger changes at all and stops doing some bad things, it will be due to fear and anxiety. You will be better off putting the objects of Tiger's actions out of harm's way.

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser