Free food

A Japanese beetle scent trap.

The Complete and Total Loser has been trapping Japanese beetles with a scent trap, putting the bag they fall into in the freezer, and then feeding them to the three koi in the tiny, man-made pond in his back yard. 

The Loser feels a little evil putting the bag full of living organisms in the freezer. Think about that. There are red-blooded furry mammals that cry when distressed, show affection, play, suckle their young, have complex social orders, and live for decades that the Loser eats as a snack, yet gently killing these invasive insects that lack a discernible brain for a useful purpose, gives him pause.

On Craigslist Rants and Raves today

Craigslist Rants and Raves ... the anonymous forum for angry, racist, misogynistic men. It's usually a look at the dark side and is little used thanks to more effective social networking platforms. The Complete and Total Loser was surprised to find the following exchange today.

The original post:

I'm so excited (my world)

Hi cl world
I'm a 62yr lonely old man who's retired and on a fixed income.
I'm so excited that soon I will be getting a fish. A betta also known as a Chinese fighting fish. For the last several months I been getting things together, I've gotten a nice size fish bowl for it, and different colored marbles for the bottom. I even got a fake plant and rock with a hole in it for him to swim thru.
It's taken a while to get it all together but I'm getting close and getting excited, I'm pretty sure it's going to be happy in its new home.
I only need a few more things until I actually buy the fish. There very pretty and come in many colors.
I'm thinking of naming it Bobby, because that's a unisex name and I won't know if it's a male or female.
Yep Bobby the betta, cant wait ( :
If anyone has a better name, I'd like to hear from you.
Have a wonderful day everyone and remember to be kind to your pets

The Complete and Total Loser's post about it:

I think you may be someone just joking around (they're actually Siamese fighting fish, not Chinese, so I wonder if you're really getting one), but if not, fish are a good choice for pets. They're inexpensive compared to a dog or a cat, and if you go away for a day or even a weekend, you don't need to worry about their care. If you haven't had a fish recently, be sure to read up on how to take care of the water. I see these fish in pet stores in very small containers waiting to be taken home. The store near me stocks lots of them, so I guess they're pretty popular these days.
Another good thing about fish is that ultimately, they're fish. Something people eat all the time. While it's never pleasant when any pet dies, it's easier to take when it's a fish.
It would be good to put it someplace where you look at it while sitting. That has been shown to lower blood pressure.
For a truly unisex name, how about Chris or Pat? Also, the males are more brightly colored and have longer fins than females, so they can be sexed.
May you and your fish thrive for many years. 

The original poster responds to the Loser:

 

Yes I am for real, I haven't rescued Bobby from one of those cruel little shot glasses they are kept in at the pet store yet . He's going to have a nice roomy bowl when he arrives, unfortunately it probably won't be for a couple of weeks yet. I have to take two busses to go get him and I want it to be a nice and warm day when he finally comes home . I haveddone my homework and decided on a little fish because I am sometimes gone for long hours, 12, 14, sometimes even 16 hours and that would be totally unfair to do that to a dog, which I also like and plan on getting one day. But not until I don't have any place to go and he can go everywhere I go. ( :
And no I will NOT being fighting Bobby. I will be posting pictures in the soon future of Bobby and his happy home for everyone to see. Thanks everyone and remember to be kind to your pets

Another response:

Ok dude, your post has inspired me! I think I want to get a fish now too!! I used to have a beta when I was a young kid but being all irresponsible it ended up dying. I think I'm going to get one as well. Beta "fighting fish" are very beautiful and elegant, you've made a wise choice sir. Perhaps in time we can become good friends and have fish fighting championships! I'm not opposed to putting a little money on the table too! Perhaps we can find a dark alley or basement and have huge fish fights, we can invite a bunch of Asians because we know they have money and love to gamble. I'm not sure if fish fights are illegal or not but we'll build the biggest fish fighting circuit on the east coast. I'm going to start my aquarium this weekend and if I'm lucky I'll be able to score some performance enhancing drugs for my fish. I'll train that little bastard every day!!! He'll be so badass he can take down a piranha or even an Oscar. Yea man this is gonna be great, thanks for the idea!!
Nah, for real though, it's a nice idea and I think I want a nice aquarium with some fisheez swimming around. Thanks for the idea man✌️

Another response:
 
Aw, I am so happy that you are excited about your new fishy friend. I think that Bobby is a very cool name.
I am a huge animal lover who has had many pets through the years: Dogs, cats (a lot of cats), gerbils, a super smart parakeet that I was crazy about (and vice versa), turtles, an amazing bunny rabbit who thought she was a dog, gerbils, etc.
But one of my all time favorite pets was my goldfish, Beau, who lived to be 10. I got him and his brother, Sparky, for 10 cents each at a pet shop where they were being sold as piranha food. It's a very long, story that I could write a book about.
These two guys grew to enormous lengths; they were the best of buds; and they had personality to spare. Beau, who was absolutely beautiful, thought he was a dog. He would come to the top of the tank, stick his little head out and let people pet him. I would walk back and forth in front of his tank, and he would follow me. I would pull up a chair next to his tank and talk to him. The guy would come to the side of the tank and look up at me, and just listen. When he died, I grieved for him for months.
Anyone who says that fish are boring pets that don't have personalities doesn't know what they are talking about. They are great pets, that offer unconditional love and companionship.
So enjoy your new fishy buddy, my friend. May you have many happy years together.

Body Bags

"I'm going to eat them," the Complete and Total Loser would say to his mother.
"Don't you dare!" she'd say.
They were talking about the koi in the tiny artificial pond the Loser's late parents installed in the 1980s, where five colorful, large fish levitated under water until a surprisingly small amount of food was flung on the surface of their home each day, at which point they'd lunge to the surface to eat as much as they could, not caring if their only companions starved to death right in front of them.

Dead fish in bags wait to be buried. Someday we'll all end up as some version of the fish in the bags in this picture.

Around the time the Loser's parents had the pond put in the Loser was living in China, where he taught English (a moronic calling he was well suited to, being a moron) and often eating koi, which when not bred for color is a common food there and goes by the humbler name of carp. 
The Loser's mother knew he was kidding. It was a joke he stopped making a year or so before her death a year ago. She no longer had the energy for mock threats.
Two days ago the man who services the pond came by to clean it out and ready it for the coming winter months, when the fish slow down and don't eat yet still use as much oxygen as at any other time. Yesterday morning, the Loser went to check on them before going to work. One of the five was dead, another was close to it and the others didn't look well. Of course, the fish guy screwed up and the bill (ha!) he left didn't have his cell phone number on it, no one at the company picked up and the website is useless and looks like a seventy-year-old designed it. The Loser finally got in touch with the fish guy around 11 and he managed to save two of the koi. 
Koi can live for decades (the oldest is said to be 226 years old) and these were just fifteen. 
The Loser's parents loved those fish. 
The Loser told the fish guy to put them in bags so he can bury them, which he's about to do. It'll take a large hole. They were as big as cats. 
That's how the Loser will spend a chunk of this Thanksgiving Day.
_______________________________________
The fish are underground now and will nourish the trees as they decompose. The Loser couldn't just cut the bags open and throw them in like garbage so he did it by hand. They were cold and covered with slime. Their weight felt like soft muscle. Their eyes were clouded over but their colors were still bright. 
Before he scraped the dirt back in the hole the Loser threw in some coins. A penny, a nickle, a dime a quarter. He did this so if some day in the distant future some digger found fish bones in an odd place he or she would know that these three fish lived with humans, that they were a part of our lives.