The Lawn Mower

Was it late October? Probably. That would have been the last time The Complete and Total Loser mowed his lawn. He put the mower, a Honda push mower he bought used on Craigslist last spring, back in the garage where it spent the long and severe winter months dripping out the remainder of its fuel. The last time it ran it ran unevenly, wheezing. The Loser will have it tuned up when the small mechanic's shop he can walk it to reopens next week. He filled it this morning just to see if he showed any signs of life. He bent and unbent his right arm a few times and said to himself, "Get ready to pull this chord a hundred times!" 
He pulled once.
It started.
Shit.
The grass, if you can call it that, was abandoned-house long. Not anymore. 
To reward himself, the Loser went to Trader Joe's where he bought a food wrap and a container of carrot juice that he took to the park and ate while watching others exercise, like the mothers in the photo below.

Two mothers push strollers as they run in Valley Forge National Park.

The day off

Went to three shopping places for groceries. Trader Joe's, Acme, Whole Foods. Got dried things at Trader Joe's (banana chips, apricots) and almond butter. Got chicken at Acme (two for one packages of thighs; they taste good and "thigh"

The Loser's driveway.

is a great word), instant coffee, cut up pineapple. Got tabbouleh salad at Whole Foods (theirs is the best) and soy half-and-half, which Trader Joe's has but theirs goes bad sooner than the Loser can use it. Saw sister-in-law with her son in Whole Foods parking lot. The son, 15, is huge. The sister-in-law is a cultural cliche; tall, blond, SUV. Went home and ate tuna salad roll up from

A skinny girl.

 Trader Joe's, washed down with a seven-ounce Rolling Rock. Sent tax documents to guy brother recommended. Swept part of driveway. Doing so calms the Loser in a Zen way. Always surprising how just a few feet of sweeping fills a trash can with debris. You don't see how much there is when it's all spread out. Found claw gardening tool with long handle in garage, started tearing up part of garden in back yard, where the Loser wants to start a vegetable garden. After about nine square feet, the claw came off the handle. Old, perhaps. Mid thirties outside, which it shouldn't be, but the weather hasn't been what it should be for years, if you think about it. The outdoor work failed to warm the Loser up, as if his body's thermostat is set to spring. The Loser saw a skinny girl going sleeveless on the train platform just two days ago. 

He wanted this

The Complete and Total Loser wanted to be part of a couple his entire life. 
He wanted to fuck seven times a week in his twenties, four times a week in his thirties, three times a week in his forties and have that change to occasional, gentle, medication-assisted copulation from his late 50s on. 
But no. That basic knowledge of what to say to girls wasn't pre-installed in the Loser's grey matter, and he was too self centered to learn it on his own. 
He was so stupid he couldn't see that what he was doing would never work. Now, the Loser downloads books illegally from bit torrent sites about how to meet and talk to women. The advice often sounds silly to the Loser but the overwhelming motif is not: Practice. Get out there and meet people. Crash and burn, rise up; crash and burn again, rise up again. Repeat. 
In his mid-50s now, the Loser lacks the energy to do this and he is so far behind. He doesn't even know how to dress! He doesn't think about it as much as he did. The loneliness isn't a continuing ache now but a sharp pang, which hits him once a month or so. The Loser knows he'll never have what this elderly couple on a bench at a Trader Joe's has. It's too late for that.

A Complete and Total Loser Rule - 6

Stay unattached to simple things as much as possible. The Loser loves the banana chips he buys at Trader Joe's, for example, but in his last two visits, the shelf where they were has been empty. Chances are good that they've been discontinued. The Loser will miss them, but he'll move on; he's lost far more important things in recent years. Like his parents.