The Complete and Total Loser saw the movie Gravity today. It was good. Kind to his middle-aged bladder as it was short, not one of those two-and-a-half-hour comic book movies.
About the only technical error that interfered with the plot is when George Clooney was hanging on to Sandra Bullock by a lifeline and said he had to let go. It was treated as if there were a continuing force being exerted on him, pulling him away.
That wouldn't happen in space. In space even a small woman could pull a man all over with just a tug.
Most of the dialogue is over radio. George Clooney's voice is just the voice you'd want to hear if you were in space with a suit running out of oxygen and you needed someone to tell you what to do.
Bullock was fine, but it would've been better if they had found someone new who no one's ever seen before. It's hard to explain why, but it would've been.
(There are scenes, by the way, in which Bullock is wearing just a shirt and shorts. She looks great. Why don't more 49-year-old women eat right and exercise? Sure, not everyone has as much time to do so as she does, but when the Loser looks around at most women that age he thinks, holy shit, do they do nothing but eat?)
The Loser saw the movie in an Imax theater in 3D. He's not supposed to like that, a man his age. He's supposed to sniff at it and call it a gimmick. But he doesn't. He likes it. There's this part where Bullock's crying and a tear floats away from her toward the camera, toward the viewer. The camera focuses on the tear. It was moving.
The Complete and Total Loser gave up on dating ten days ago or so and deactivated his profile on the free dating site he'd visit a few weeks a year.
This year he'd decided to give it more than his avowed week per season, and after a few dates, with mostly women who described themselves as "athletic" or "average" yet outweighed the Loser by thirty pounds, he began to lose hope. Before long, the only women the site matched him with were women living far from where he lives. Hours away, often.
Then the Loser had a thought.
What would happen if he made a fake profile and assigned opposite characteristics to the fake him?
Meet Clinton.
Clinton is 6'1", fit, and has a head of hair so full it's often the first thing people notice about him. He makes over $100,000 a year and bristles with confidence. He's not on this site to dither, no ma'am. Clinton is busy and on the site to maximize his options (he actually uses that word, "maximize"), and he tell women who weigh over 135 pounds and are over 5'9" that they won't be a good physical match for him so please move on. Clinton even has a photograph. (By the way, it's hard to do a successful web search for "handsome older men" and not get pictures of George Clooney.)
Unlike the Loser, Clinton is working hard and doing well, despite the lengthy economic downturn. He often travels (The Loser hasn't spent a night away since the year 2000), enjoys fine dining, spends time with his "large yet intimate circle of interesting friends," and attends cultural events regularly.
The Loser wanted to see who would respond to him and how.
So far, there have been few positive responses. One was even angry.
"Just curious. . .with a profile like that, do you really meet many women
on here? What a condescending, pompous ass! Not many of these make me
stop in my tracks to send a message, but yours had that affect, though
certainly not in a good way. Any woman with self-esteem and half a
brain wouldn't look at you twice."
The Loser's response to this is, of course, to respond in character. That is, to lie.
"Yes," Clinton wrote back, "I've been meeting interesting, successful, self-assured and
attractive women who think well of themselves. So well, in fact, that
they don't feel a need to try to make others feel bad about themselves
as you seem to. You clearly have issues and I hope you get help for
them.
"No time to go on. It's Friday night and I have a date. And you? That's what I thought. A pity.
Best of luck!"
Burn.
A second woman said, "I find your arrogance intriguing and slightly funny. Perhaps that was
not what you were going for but it strikes me that way. Maybe you could
use a little levity in your life."
Arrogance? Sure, The Loser/Clinton gets that she's not flat out calling him arrogant and even says nice things about it, but you know what? Fuck you, lady. Do you know how many times the Loser has said the mildest things to women and gotten reamed and rejected for them? Thousands.
"I reread my profile," the Loser wrote, politely, "to see what part of it was arrogant. I couldn't find
it. Confident, sure; I'm at the age where if I don't know who I am and
what I want I must have problems, which I don't.
"So we're off on the wrong foot already, which means we're better off ending it here."
The woman wrote back, defending her word choice and referred to the exchange as, touchingly, "our first fight."
"First and last, I'm afraid," Clinton responded.
Three other women have written to Clinton. "I'm not sure if we're a good match," one said. "What type of work do you do?"
Pass.
"By any chance, are you a nice Jewish guy? You came off like a Jewish man who knows what he wants, and I'm very used to that."
The Loser wrote back that he's a mean Episcopalian who has no faith. End of that one.
Interestingly, the Loser has a knee-jerk reaction to write nice things to these women and try to get them to like him. But that would be taking the lie too far, to cruelty. Besides, these are women who don't want a bald, short, poor, crippled man like the Loser, so he cuts them off at once.
It's what Clinton does.
