Wednesday, December 5, 2012

An Evil Thing the Loser is Doing

The Complete and Total Loser gave up on dating ten days ago or so and deactivated his profile on the free dating site he'd visit a few weeks a year. 
This year he'd decided to give it more than his avowed week per season, and after a few dates, with mostly women who described themselves as "athletic" or "average" yet outweighed the Loser by thirty pounds, he began to lose hope. Before long, the only women the site matched him with were women living far from where he lives. Hours away, often.
Then the Loser had a thought. 
What would happen if he made a fake profile and assigned opposite characteristics to the fake him? 
happy couple

Meet Clinton. 
Clinton is 6'1", fit, and has a head of hair so full it's often the first thing people notice about him. He makes over $100,000 a year and bristles with confidence. He's not on this site to dither, no ma'am. Clinton is busy and on the site to maximize his options (he actually uses that word, "maximize"), and he tell women who weigh over 135 pounds and are over 5'9" that they won't be a good physical match for him so please move on. Clinton even has a photograph. (By the way, it's hard to do a successful web search for "handsome older men" and not get pictures of George Clooney.)
Unlike the Loser, Clinton is working hard and doing well, despite the lengthy economic downturn. He often travels (The Loser hasn't spent a night away since the year 2000), enjoys fine dining, spends time with his "large yet intimate circle of interesting friends," and attends cultural events regularly. 
The Loser wanted to see who would respond to him and how. 
So far, there have been few positive responses. One was even angry.
"Just curious. . .with a profile like that, do you really meet many women on here? What a condescending, pompous ass! Not many of these make me stop in my tracks to send a message, but yours had that affect, though certainly not in a good way. Any woman with self-esteem and half a brain wouldn't look at you twice."
The Loser's response to this is, of course, to respond in character. That is, to lie.
"Yes," Clinton wrote back, "I've been meeting interesting, successful, self-assured and attractive women who think well of themselves. So well, in fact, that they don't feel a need to try to make others feel bad about themselves as you seem to. You clearly have issues and I hope you get help for them.
"No time to go on. It's Friday night and I have a date. And you? That's what I thought. A pity.
Best of luck!"

A second woman said, "I find your arrogance intriguing and slightly funny. Perhaps that was not what you were going for but it strikes me that way. Maybe you could use a little levity in your life."
Arrogance? Sure, The Loser/Clinton gets that she's not flat out calling him arrogant and even says nice things about it, but you know what? Fuck you, lady. Do you know how many times the Loser has said the mildest things to women and gotten reamed and rejected for them? Thousands. 
"I reread my profile," the Loser wrote, politely, "to see what part of it was arrogant. I couldn't find it. Confident, sure; I'm at the age where if I don't know who I am and what I want I must have problems, which I don't.
"So we're off on the wrong foot already, which means we're better off ending it here."

The woman wrote back, defending her word choice and referred to the exchange as, touchingly, "our first fight."
"First and last, I'm afraid," Clinton responded.
Three other women have written to Clinton. "I'm not sure if we're a good match," one said. "What type of work do you do?"
"By any chance, are you a nice Jewish guy? You came off like a Jewish man who knows what he wants, and I'm very used to that."
The Loser wrote back that he's a mean Episcopalian who has no faith. End of that one.
Interestingly, the Loser has a knee-jerk reaction to write nice things to these women and try to get them to like him. But that would be taking the lie too far, to cruelty. Besides, these are women who don't want a bald, short, poor, crippled man like the Loser, so he cuts them off at once.
It's what Clinton does.
middle-aged couple


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