Then there's the Working supplement that came with this month's Esquire Magazine.
Its subtitle is A Man's Guide to Fortune and Fulfillment, but don't get your hopes up; it's just 52 pages long and most of those are fluff. Was your bonus $200 this year? Get the Steel Intelligent Quarts Fly-Back chronograph by Timex for $210, available through nordstrom.com.
If it was $100,000 you'll have your eye on the Platinum Royal Oak Offshore chronograph for $108,400. Call Audemars Piguet at 888-214-6858. (For that price, the Loser imagines you'd speak to Mr. Piguet personally.)
The Complete and Total Loser, who has never had a bonus, unless you count remaining employed a bonus, which it is these days, will stick with his $65 Casio.
There are two pages that make the supplement worth sparing from the blue bin for awhile. The first is Things a Man Should Never Say at Work. They are:
- You seriously wanted me to do that?
- Reach out.
- I had a dream about you last night.
- What's new?
- Can't complain. (In response to "What's new?")
- They're white chocolate cranberry. I baked them last night.
- You're the boss. (When speaking to the boss.)
- You're the boss. (When speaking to anybody, really.)
- Anything related to the current day of the week being Friday.
- That's not how we did it at my last job.
- You wore that shirt on Monday.
- I work hard and I play hard.
- Am I right?
- Same page.
- Circle back.
- The thing about Jews is ...
- Want to take a walk?
- Nice dress.
- Nice pants.
- Nice Botox.
- It's called Zumba. I've lost 12 pounds.
- I'm sorry, she's in the bathroom. Can I have her call you right back?
- Best practices.
- Plans for the weekend? (You don't care, and they don't feel like telling you.)
- Fuck you. (Always regrettable, no matter the offense.)
- Why don't more of us have nicknames?
- Dress for the job you want.
- Sticky, adj. (An idea is not sticky; it's either good or bad.)
- Sticky, n. (It's called a Post-It Note.)
- How much are they paying you anyway, sweetheart?
- Hold that elevator! (Unless you're an actor working on an action-adventure film.)
- Any nautical idiom, including but not limited to: smooth sailing, hard-and-fast, cut of his jib, ahoy, batten down the hatches, learn the ropes, scuttlebutt.
- I don't know which way to dream.
There are many more, but you'll have to buy the magazine, search for it online, or go to a library. I've keyed enough for the day.
P.S. Mila Kunis is their choice for the Sexiest Woman Alive of 2012. Fair enough.