Monday, October 8, 2012

Work Advice

When magazines arrive with supplements it's a sure sign that you'll have a little more to recycle this week. They're usually written in the fussed over way of a public relations piece, anything useful buried under layers of advertising happy talk trying -- and failing -- to sound like real journalism.
Then there's the Working supplement that came with this month's Esquire Magazine.
Its subtitle is A Man's Guide to Fortune and Fulfillment, but don't get your hopes up; it's just 52 pages long and most of those are fluff. Was your bonus $200 this year? Get the Steel Intelligent Quarts Fly-Back chronograph by Timex for $210, available through

 If it was $100,000 you'll have your eye on the Platinum Royal Oak Offshore chronograph for $108,400. Call Audemars Piguet at 888-214-6858. (For that price, the Loser imagines you'd speak to Mr. Piguet personally.)

The Complete and Total Loser, who has never had a bonus, unless you count remaining employed a bonus, which it is these days, will stick with his $65 Casio.

There are two pages that make the supplement worth sparing from the blue bin for awhile. The first is Things a Man Should Never Say at Work. They are:
  • Nuts.
  • You seriously wanted me to do that?
  • Reach out.
  • I had a dream about you last night.
  • What's new?
  • Can't complain. (In response to "What's new?")
  • They're white chocolate cranberry. I baked them last night.
  • You're the boss. (When speaking to the boss.)
  • You're the boss. (When speaking to anybody, really.)
  • Anything related to the current day of the week being Friday.
  • That's not how we did it at my last job.
  • You wore that shirt on Monday.
  • I work hard and I play hard.
  • Am I right?
  • Same page.
  • Circle back.
  • The thing about Jews is ...
  • Want to take a walk?
  • Nice dress.
  • Nice pants.
  • Nice Botox.
  • It's called Zumba. I've lost 12 pounds.
  • I'm sorry, she's in the bathroom. Can I have her call you right back?
  • Best practices.
  • Plans for the weekend? (You don't care, and they don't feel like telling you.)
  • Fuck you. (Always regrettable, no matter the offense.)
  • Why don't more of us have nicknames?
  • Dress for the job you want.
  • Yay!
  • Sticky, adj. (An idea is not sticky; it's either good or bad.)
  • Sticky, n. (It's called a Post-It Note.)
  • How much are they paying you anyway, sweetheart?
  • Hold that elevator! (Unless you're an actor working on an action-adventure film.)
  • Any nautical idiom, including but not limited to: smooth sailing, hard-and-fast, cut of his jib, ahoy, batten down the hatches, learn the ropes, scuttlebutt.
  • I don't know which way to dream.
The other page is titled The New Data and has workplace facts, like that the time a man spends at the office on an average workday is 8 hours, 12 minutes.
There are many more, but you'll have to buy the magazine, search for it online, or go to a library. I've keyed enough for the day. 
P.S. Mila Kunis is their choice for the Sexiest Woman Alive of 2012. Fair enough. 


  1. If the "complete and total loser" wears a Casio that's worth $65, then what am I since I wear a Casio I purchased for $12.95? I may have to re-evaluate my status..

  2. Sometimes, you gotta splurge ...

  3. I'm not familiar with the gal on the Esquire cover, but she appears worth following..