Dear Complete and Total Loser,
I get mad at my parents when they don't do things they should like recycle paper, glass and metal and go on unnecessary car trips. It is bad for the earth and one day I and my children will have to live with the world they way they leave it. What can I say to convince them to be better to the environment?
The Loser often sees tests online and in newspapers and magazines that say the results will tell you if you're a good environmentalist or not. Do you commute to work or not, what temperature is your thermostat, and do you use a reusable bag when shopping? In none of these tests does the Loser ever see the most basic question: Do you have or do you plan to have children? If so, how many? In other words, Shalisa, your parents have already done the worst thing to the environment they could have: Having you. I don't mean you personally, I mean having any children. I know that you and others will say, "But maybe Shalisa will grow up to be a scientist who discovers a way to save the planet." Let's be honest, the odds of that are very remote. That sort of thing is done by teams of scientists now and, when the singularity hits and computers have the ability to think, it will be done by them, and if they're as smart and as logical as they are now and get the ability to think for themselves they'll realize the best thing they can do to make this planet a sustainable one will be to get rid of us. So do your bit and conserve and recycle, and be sure to have no children yourself. But let your parents enjoy their lifestyles. It's far too late to reverse what's been put in motion. It can only be slowed, and the point of slowing it is increasingly dim.
The Complete and Total Loser