Children's Letters to the Loser #22

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

My sixteenth birthday will be in two months and my parents and I are fighting about how much to spend on it. I want to have 25 friends to my party. I want to dress well and I want them all to have a good meal, get gift bags and enjoy good entertainment and music. How much do you think my party should cost?

Janet

Dear Janet,

The fact that how much they should spend means that money is an issue for your parents, so you should know from the outset that I'm ultimately going to agree with whatever they say.

It's good to be 16. This and the next dozen birthdays you have will celebrate an upward trajectory in your life. Or not. 

Birthdays, however, are not a big deal. All you have done is survive for another year, as most do in developed nations, and probably with much help from guess who? Your parents! After a certain age, the Loser finds excitement over one's birthday an infantile characteristic. Children, fine; young women, fine; men over 21, grow up already. 

Here's my breakdown of what I'd pay if you were my daughter:

Food: $5 per guest: $125

Cake: $50

Sodas: $25

Dressing well: You already have nice clothes: Free

Entertainment: Make a mix yourself and play it. Free

Gifts: They give you gifts, if they want to. Memories, photos, etc.

Total: $205

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser