Children't Letters to the Loser #21

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

Steve and I have been best friends since we were in kindergarten. Now we're both 16. We've been going to separate schools since we were ten. Even though we still live across the street from each other I almost never see Steve because he's always out with his other friends on weekends. I don't have many friends at my school and no one invites me to parties or anything. I'm not awful, but people don't seem to need my presence. On weekends I just stay home and watch TV or go online. What can I do about my social life?

Bill

Dear Bill,

Welcome to my world. The Loser's own weekends when he was your age were like yours and they're like that now. The Loser had some friends along the way, was social in college, and even had sex a few times, many years ago. But the huge majority of his time was spent in an uninteresting cocoon. No, cocoon's the wrong word; it implies transformation into something more developed, something better. That didn't happen. Call it a bubble, a shell. Looking back, the only thing the Loser would change about those years is that he would have watched less television and read more.

This isn't what you wanted to hear, I know, and I'm sorry Bill. You may be a Complete and Total Loser in waiting. If so, I'm sorry, but without losers in the world how would the winners know they are winners?

Your comrade,

The Complete and Total Loser

Losers are everywhere. You just have to look for them.