My Will (Poem)

Here I am at the age of fifty
Shuffling off the coil.
No wife, no kids, and no things nifty,
And I’ll soon be under soil.
This will be brief, I ain’t got much,
But what I got goes to friends.
Just use ’em as you wish and such
Till you meet your own ends.
Jennifer gets my microwave
I know you love to nuke stuff.
Chris, of dudes you were my fave,
Don’t like my old bike? Tough!
Kim, my vacuum’s just for you
Do change the filter yearly.
Kathy, you get that chair that’s blue,
I hope you love it dearly.
My cordless phone is for you Val,
You can gossip while you move.
My recordings are for Laura, gal,
(The old ones have a groove.)
My artwork goes back to its makers,
And you know who you are.
My clothes I’m sure will get no takers,
To Goodwill in a car!
My computer is now obsolete
Not loved by rich nor poor.
While taking what’s left to the street,
It can prop open my door.

The Loser and his Parents' Will

They know, the Complete and Total Loser's parents, that their ends are near. The Loser's father has made a point of telling him where important documents are stored. Things crop up in conversations and it's no longer with the jocular air it used to be ("Ten years from now! Ho! Ho! I'll be dead!") and they're resigned to their canes and walkers.

Two weeks ago, in one of the conversations with his father, he mentioned that the will divided up their money among the Loser and his two older brothers equally, but that the understanding was that they'd mete it out to the Loser in portions as his life continued.

That's right. They want the Loser's brothers to remind him for the rest of his life that he is, indeed, a loser who, even though over 50, cannot be trusted to behave as an adult with a largish sum of money. 

The Loser let this get under his skin for a week, then blew up at both parents. He made it clear that they should divide whatever they have equally among the three sons and realize that the Loser will neither ask for nor accept money from either of them. The Loser further noted that he has lived well without a handout since shortly after graduating college when, admittedly, he had some trouble getting a job that paid him enough to pay his rent for a year or so.