The news

Not to bore you with details, but the Complete and Total Loser whined several times over the past three months over his impending death from prostate cancer. His self-based diagnosis came from his 1.5 rise in his PSA level over the period of one year (which made it go from 3 to 4.5), his family history of the disease (his dad, who didn't die from it but died anyway in '11), his age (under 60) and his general loser life.

This means he'll spend more years alone. Great.

Three months ago the doc said to come back around now to retest and see where it was. You want to look at the velocity of the rise before you dig in around that region and snip things that bring on impotence (already there for other reasons) and incontinence (no thanks). 
The test two days ago found a level of 2.9, lower than it was sixteen months ago.
The Loser's first thought: I'm going to live! 
The Loser's second thought: I'm going to live.

I guess you had to be there to hear the difference in intonation. Actually, that wouldn't have mattered as they were thoughts and you wouldn't have heard anything.