Monday, July 1, 2013

How to die of cancer

It rose. A lot. The Complete and Total Loser's PSA level was a comfortable 3 a year ago but it's gone up to 5, last week's blood test showed. 
It's too early to write up his will, but still. The Loser is 55 and his father got a prostate diagnosis at age 60, so the Loser can't help but think his time is here. Besides, he is a Loser and he knows himself better than his doctor, who is just for sitting back awhile and getting retested in three months. Note this now: It will be cancer, full blown.
His father made the Loser wonder how he'd deal with his own illnesses when they came. 
He decided to:
  • Shut up about it; tell no one
  • If he didn't have a loving wife or kids, do little to stave it off (he has neither). Why live for years wearing diapers and scheduling appointments when your life is meaningless?
  • Read more
  • Meditate more
  • Eat out more
  • Visit the friends and places he made when living overseas in the 80s
  • Do something about getting laid (it's been fifteen years to date) or at least go to strip joints
  • Give or otherwise dispose of everything that wouldn't fit in an overnight bag
  • Get stimulates and other drugs and take them
  • Rather than die gasping in a hospital bed, write a nice goodbye letter and hike deep into the woods with a bottle of great alcohol and a fist full of pills. Bury self, take a fatal dose, die quietly, be absorbed by nature 

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