Children's Letters to the Loser #19

Dear Complete and Total Loser,

How can I get girls to notice me? 

Juan

Dear Juan,

A bird lives in the tiny house attached to the side of the Loser's late parents' house, where he's been living since they died last fall. It is a finch of some sort, the Loser thinks. The finch, a male, spent days dragging twigs into the house to make a comfortable nest. Now he sits on the pole of a nearby bird feeder and sings for hours a day, loudly for a creature the size of the Loser's thumb, to get a girl to notice him. It's been over a week and so far, he's still a bachelor. 

It is not easy to get girls' attention. 

Some will tell you to just be yourself and live normally and things will happen. Not true. Years ago the Loser asked a woman to see a movie with him in his non-threatening, oblique, I'm-gonna-be-there-anyway kind of way and saw the movie alone. A friend, a guy, who had girlfriends virtually on demand, advised the Loser to sell the idea of going to the movie harder. The Loser did this and saw the movie with the girl. Things didn't work out with the girl, of course, but the Loser had that one night 25 years ago that it looked as if they might and he cherishes the memory of it even now. Watch other guys who are successful with women. Develop routines. Practice in front of a mirror until you are -- magic word coming -- confident in your delivery. Once you've got the girl, then be yourself. 

Your friend,

The Complete and Total Loser

A finch, but the Loser's not sure of this.