Dear Complete and Total Loser,
I have no idea what to get my mother for Mother's Day. Everything I've gotten her in the past just ends up in the closet, and making things for her makes me feel silly because I'm 14 years old. I don't have enough money to get her something really nice. Any advice?
As the (yes, the) regular reader of The Complete and Total Loser knows, the Loser's mother died less than seven months ago and his father died less than two months after that, so he's been thinking a lot about Mother's Day as this will be his first one without a mother.
The Loser is his family's iconoclast and has never been a fan of what he -- and others -- call "department store holidays" like Mother's Day and Father's Day. Then again, the Loser doesn't like Christmas or birthdays either. He believes we should revel in appreciation for our parents, desire for universal goodwill and the passage of time on a daily basis. But the majority disagrees and it can be wearing sometimes to constantly explain and defend yourself. Be creative with your gift. I have dozens of ideas, but telling you them would rob you of the chance to come up with your own, so I'll just quote a favorite bumper sticker: The important things in life aren't things.