Dear Complete and Total Loser,
My parents say I text my friends too much even though I don't text any more than my friends do. Besides, we have a plan that includes unlimited texting, so money's not the problem. We have agreed to listen to you.
Brendan, age 13
Your parents should not be concerned that you text too much; they should be concerned that you text at all. As much fun as you have getting that little adrenal hit from getting a response from a text, you should be made aware that it is a shallow, moronic, low-class and sometimes dangerous form of human communication, even worse than a phone call. One reason our species has survived and done well (too well, as a matter of fact, but that's a different topic), is that we engage in complex forms of intercourse (stop snickering, all of you) that has enabled us to unite in ways few other animals can. (Except ants, maybe. Again, another topic.) If you were my son I'd take your cell phone and smash it against a hard, pointed surface. Then I'd tell you to find someone you want to talk with, look him or her in the eye, and talk. At length.
The Complete and Total Loser