Advice for Men Seeking Wives

As the Complete and Total Loser's two or three occasional readers know, he's had zero luck with women. An unremembered date late next month will mark his fourteenth year of celibacy, which to the Loser means intercourse. 

Nonetheless, he has one piece of advice for men seeking wives. Here goes.

Avoid control freaks. The Loser's mother is one so he knows the type well. It may seem cute when they plan social engagements and tell you what to wear to this or that event, but as time passes it will morph into something ugly. They'll be old women nagging you about tiny details on things like where you've put the mail and how long it took you to go to a store and get items she's sent you to fetch, items you don't really even need.

One way to spot a control freak early in a relationship is go out to dinner. Women judge us by how we act toward the waitstaff. Are we polite, but not too personable to them? Good. (As an aside, it's never a good idea to be an asshole to someone who will be alone with your food and then have your credit card.) 

How is she about the meal she's received? Is she going on and on about how it wasn't cooked exactly how she asked it to be? Did she have a lot of demands on its specifics in the first place? If so, look out. By the way, if she's really investing a lot of energy into this meal and food in general, she is a foodie and will eventually be fat.