Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Loser's Thoughts on Food

Red-tailed hawk eating pigeon on city bench
The Complete and Total Loser's rear bicycle tire went flat today and he had to walk home from downtown after doing some minor shopping. Outside an expensive hotel he saw a few people taking photos with their cell phone cameras. He looked to see what they were snapping. A visiting movie star? A sports figure? A politician? No. It was, as pictured above, a Red-tailed Hawk eating its latest prey, a pigeon.
The Loser's thoughts on food:
  • Raw is best for meat. Cooking's a convention thought up by primitive humans to burn off maggots and rotted flesh, and to make tough meat easier to chew. This made it possible for the older people to eat.
  • Raw is not necessarily best for vegetables. Light steaming releases nutrients and facilitates absorption. 
  • It's not necessary for humans to eat meat. There are perfectly healthy bodybuilders who are vegan. The Loser is not one of them, though he takes it easy on meat and animal products. The ugliest steaks taste the best, by the way.
  • Eating meat is like driving an SUV, environmentally speaking. The Loser rarely eats beef and when he does, he reminds himself that he doesn't own a car, lives in a small apartment and, most important of all, did not have children.
  • Putting lemon juice in water will change the alkaline property of your blood for the better. Pure water is great. Water with lemon juice is better. Drinking ridiculous amounts of water (no one even knows who said that 6 to 8 glasses a day nonsense) is not necessary and when you drink coffee or alcohol there is still a net gain of water. When you drink water, do it all at once. Refrain from carrying any kind of bottle of water with you. You are an adult and far too old for a sippy cup.
  • Taking lots of vitamins is a waste of time and money. Get a multivitamin and take one day. Don't spend money on organic ones. Vitamins act on a molecular level and their origins are unimportant. 
  • If you want to lose weight, avoid sugar completely. The pounds disappear fast.
  • Alcohol makes you fat not just because of its own caloric content but because it lowers your inhibitions, letting you order that second plate of fries. The Loser is surprised he doesn't hear health experts say that.
  • Speaking of fries, avoid them and potato chips.
  • Eating right starts in the store. If it's not in the house, you won't eat it.
  • Never drink sodas. They're for teenagers exclusively and they shouldn't drink them either. Sugar free sodas are about as bad and should also be skipped.

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