Tara Condell was a registered dietician who hanged herself on Wednesday, January 30, 2019, at age 27. Before doing so, she posted this letter on her website:
I Hate The Word “Bye,” But See You Later Maybe?
I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green's Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.I’m really sorry mama.Always, TLC
Condell's death is about as sad a thing as can be. It could have been prevented with the right guidance. (Some will say medication would have helped, but I think she could have done without it.)
Look at what Condell lists as the things she'll miss. Nearly all of them are superficial diversions. Music. Puzzles. Television shows. Food. Many of them are things I like too, and if you've read a few of my previous entries you'll see that I'm all about distracting things these days. Last night, for example, I watched Ant-Man and the Wasp. A comic book movie, at age sixty.
Some of the things Condell lists indicate that she had real depth and she clearly was very bright. What's missing though is anything that shows that she made herself get involved with other people. She could have gone to a homeless shelter and cooked healthy and delicious meals, she could have given free classes to school kids on how to eat right. Those are just two ideas without having to think much about it. Her initials, TLC, also stand for "Tender Loving Care," which she was no doubt aware of. Looking at her website, it seems she did some of this. Perhaps if she had done more, she'd have found a way to cope.
Suicide is the most selfish act a person can do, which Condell acknowledges. To end your pain in a way that causes pain to others (her mother will not enjoy fully even one day of the rest of her life) is unkind. And Condell put far too much faith in there being an afterlife. Did she really think she sit on a cloud with her father and listen to songs they both love? For how long would that be satisfying in any way?
Poor Tara. Poor Tara's mother and friends.
I think, sadly. she was burnt out. I sensed after looking at her website, Instagram, and Twitter that nothing excited her anymore, nothing gave her joy. She'd seen and done it all, and met all her goals. And she didn't recognize her own depression and seek help. "... Just tired of being tired." So sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm cutting and pasting this into other replies because I know many only read responses to their own comments: There is always help for depression, no matter how long or how deep it is. Always. It even applies to the terminally ill. The black dog of depression has visited me and I've gotten help for it. This is true: Most who try to kill themselves and fail go on to live full, long lives.
DeleteThe cliché about suicide is true: It's a permanent solution to a (relatively) short-term problem.
It was her life, and her decision.
ReplyDeleteI'm cutting and pasting this into other replies because I know many only read responses to their own comments: There is always help for depression, no matter how long or how deep it is. Always. It even applies to the terminally ill. The black dog of depression has visited me and I've gotten help for it. This is true: Most who try to kill themselves and fail go on to live full, long lives.
DeleteThe cliché about suicide is true: It's a permanent solution to a (relatively) short-term problem.
The most effective way to isolate people is by invalidating the struggle of severe, recurrent depression. This diagnosis is neither short-term nor temporary. I'm not suggesting suicide is the answer, nor do I know if Tara had this diagnosis. But really, it's incredibly painful to be so misunderstood as to be told that decades of past (and all signs point to future) strife is but a short-term problem.
DeleteYour intentions are clearly good but beware of your inverse impact.
I have never intended to fault Ms. Condell in any way, nor do I disrespect the powerful effect her illness had. Please note that I called her problem a relatively short-term one. Of course, it didn't seem like that to her, but it would be impossible for her to be my intended audience. I'm never going to say that suicide's a defensible option for depression when you're 27 years old and you have half a century or more of life ahead of you during which you can be a functioning, valuable member of your society. Just minutes before reading your comment I heard about how the FDA has approved ketamine for use in treating depression. Some are using, under guidance, LSD and other drugs. Even the right use of shock treatment, no longer the horror movie trope, has shown success. As I said, I would never fault Ms. Condell for her illness. I would fault whatever it was that made her feel she could not seek the help she so badly needed. What that was, I don't know, and it was likely a combination of things.
DeleteMakes you wonder what good things Tara could have achieved had she been able to overcome the beast of depression.
ReplyDeleteGo fuck yourself asshole. Maybe you should give it a try.
ReplyDeleteOne day, you'll feel awful about having said that. I know you won't believe this now and that you'll just dig in and say something as bad or worse, but it'll happen. The best internet rule ever is this: Never say something online you wouldn't say to someone's face. Anything other than that is usually the result of cowardice.
DeleteYeah I feel like it everyday..I don't do it because my daughters would suffer my fiance would most likely be wanting to do the same thing,I don't want to leave a message of myself for others to clean up..those are just a few things that keep from blowing my head off..I know there is hope and I keep on living for it,I have been through war,terrible times that seemed to have.no end in sight,I've been almost homeless 100 times..been broke I think since I was born..sunk to the deepest depths of depravity just to forget.and i came back with the help of my own doing,there was really no one that could of helped me I live with the loss of many friends and a love of my life...a father gone a mother gone my uncle gone all in the same year..trust me I know the feeling she had..and I thought of all my loved ones that I still have and no matter if I have to live in a ditch or beg and borrow I cannot ruin there life because of mine. I hope all of you the best and I wish I had the money and time to help all of you who feel as she did and i do..if you would like to talk my email is listed there.. I hope the best for everyone reading this. You are always loved by someone remember that.
DeleteShe was in pain. Give her a break, poor thing.
DeleteShe "was" in pain? She's definitely in pain now because she's in HELL. I am so sorry for her and any other that is tricked by the devil to perform such a foolish act.
DeleteSavedByGrace: you have absolutely zero evidence that your beliefs are true. You'll rebut by saying "well, it's in the bible, so...." The bible was written thousands of years ago by people you've never met, so you have no idea who they were or what their intentions were. They could have been as misguided as any cult that we look at today and say "what a crazy bunch of people...why do they believe such nonsense?"
DeleteThe existence of the bible is not proof of its validity. The quran exists, too. So does the bhagavad gita. So do texts about other belief systems. What, specifically, makes your book right and the numerous other books wrong?
And while I respect your personal subjective experience of faith in christ, that personal experience does not make christ an objective reality. If your personal subjective experience is all the evidence you need, than a muslim's personal subjective experience is all the evidence they need, too. As a child I had a personal subjective experience of santa claus...does that make him real?
But thank you for using your unproven beliefs to clarify for the rest of us that a suffering human being is rotting in hell. That's very christian of you. Jesus would be proud.
You and anyone like you just proves the point of being willingly ignorant through the evidence of your tyrade. You, I and everyone else that's ever been or ever will be, have all the proof in the world right beneath your feet, that GOD exists and that His word is True.
DeleteI didn't read your exert, just scimmed over it. I did however, see where you wrote something giving recognition to a comparison to the quran. No. Muslims are just as lost as goats as anyone else that does not know Jesus Christ as their personal savior. That's just the way it is and I'll make no apologies about it.
Dismissing the existence of GOD and his prescribed way is and will be detrimental to your eternal well being, if for nothing else. That goes for ALL people from any kind of background or belief.
Do yourself a favor and take hold of the hand that's stretched out before you before it's too late.
BTW, I'm not the enemy. I'm just the messenger.
You are so wrong !!!!
DeleteWhen I was 27 I sat alone in my car on a rainy day in my favorite studying spot near the george washington bridge, with my anatomy and physiology textbook in my lap, and a 9mm in my mouth. It was foggy. I cried.
ReplyDeleteI didn't pull the trigger. I got an A in A&P, I graduated at the top of my class. It meant nothing. For three years after that I couldn't sleep without a loaded gun in my mouth. Then, suddenly, it all changed.
Now I have a wife and daughter that I love. I couldn't imagine leaving them. I hate myself for almost letting go. I almost killed my unborn daughter.
This poor girl let go. In the next life, I will try to change her mind.
Just one tiny nerve impulse and the movement of a few small muscles are all that separates your and your daughter's life now from nonexistence. Such things are hard to grasp, aren't they? Don't hate the man you are now; hate the action the man you were then almost took. I'm happy to hear your success story and I wish you well.
DeleteDear anonymous
DeleteI'm glad to god for you not pulling that trigger. I too have been on the GWB very close to slipping off the edge to end it all. Throughout all of our lives we get to points where we dont think we could bear one more disappointment or one more heartache, but leaving this world more than likely wouldn't change that and my heart aches for Tara, you, and everyone else dealing with severe depression. Life is worth living so we can prove to no one but ourselves that WE are worth it. Love to all. RIP TLC.
Two types of people committing suicide...one, who do it in the moment, and one who were contemplating it and waiting to do it since years, almost like meditation...in the end they didn't want death to happen to them, they wanted to seize control of it, and choose the moment of going. I believe the subconscious has the key, and for all the time that they were alive, it didn't come up in the conscious mind, until it did, and that was the right moment to go, no questions asked, no regrets. The Indian superstar Sridevi who left behind a fortune, was found in a bathtub full of water. Does anyone drown in a bathtub?
DeleteFor someone to hang themselves they need to be feeling deeply depressed and to have lost all hope. She said she had been feeling this way for over ten years. It’s unlikely volunteering at a homeless shelter would have fixed her problems. She was already involved with people through her work and with family and friends. But it wasn’t enough. Sometimes depression doesn’t get better no matter what someone does. The suffering can become unbearable and suicide the only option. Maybe she could have been helped, I don’t know, but never underestimate how hard it can be to lift persistently low mood. Suicide might seem selfish, but it’s equally selfish to demand that someone go on living when their life has become unbearable and they genuinely want to die. I hope she has found peace now.
ReplyDeleteI'm cutting and pasting this into other replies because I know many only read responses to their own comments: There is always help for depression, no matter how long or how deep it is. Always. It even applies to the terminally ill. The black dog of depression has visited me and I've gotten help for it. This is true: Most who try to kill themselves and fail go on to live full, long lives.
DeleteThe cliché about suicide is true: It's a permanent solution to a (relatively) short-term problem.
Brother I have to disagree with part of your statement. Be it may that she might not have had many close friends that she could confide in, it seems that most of her being was dedicated to being involved with other people. Although being an RDN is a career and not an outside hobby it definitely reaches the level of involving yourself intimately in the lives of others. I dare to make an assumption to why this beautiful young woman took her own life and I believe it boils down to lack of companionship. Regardless if she preferred men or women, I think this woman was unfulfilled because of all the love she gave others in her career and she had no one to refill her cup intimately when she returned home. Why she could not realize things can change for the better overnight I do not know, however reading her letter and viewing her photos showed a young woman full of life and opportunity but no one she could share it with as intimately as she viewed it. Very sad story. Very sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm cutting and pasting this into other replies because I know many only read responses to their own comments: There is always help for depression, no matter how long or how deep it is. Always. It even applies to the terminally ill. The black dog of depression has visited me and I've gotten help for it. This is true: Most who try to kill themselves and fail go on to live full, long lives.
DeleteThe cliché about suicide is true: It's a permanent solution to a (relatively) short-term problem.
Trust me, I know you mean well, but sometimes depression never gets better despite decades of the best treatment.
DeleteIts called undiagnosed mental illness...no doubt. She could've been incapable of changing her life in such a way as you suggest,due to mental state. Never judge or assume it would be that easy of a "fix". There is so much you dont know...I'm sure. She is now where she wants to be...for whatever reason. Sad but true, her life. Her choice
ReplyDeleteI'm cutting and pasting this into other replies because I know many only read responses to their own comments: There is always help for depression, no matter how long or how deep it is. Always. It even applies to the terminally ill. The black dog of depression has visited me and I've gotten help for it. This is true: Most who try to kill themselves and fail go on to live full, long lives.
DeleteThe cliché about suicide is true: It's a permanent solution to a (relatively) short-term problem.
I'll happily reply here though it's not to my own comment: brother. Wow. I don't know about morals or ethics but I know what you DO have: judgement. It's oozing from your every word. At 30 I did what you seem still not to have been able to do at 60: I acknowledged that unless I had lived a person's entire life, been in their mind and in their homes 24 hours a day, that I had NO right to judge their actions or try to staple my ideas about appropriate reactions onto their brains.
DeleteMaybe some day you'll learn the same thing. It's life-changing.
Of course I'm hypocritical, because right now I'm judging you for your post and your comments and your whole perspective here, and I haven't lived your life or been in your head.
I'm doing it because this topic is one that I know all too well, personally, so this is an emotional reaction. I should feel compassion, because if you feel so goddamned sure about what someone else should have or could have done that you can write a post like this, then you probably feel pretty badly yourself about ways that people have judged you in your life. Or feel badly about something else related to yourself. Otherwise you'd never write a post calling a poor girl who hung herself to stop the agony permeating every moment of her existence, "selfish". Judge not lest ye be judged, I hope you figure that out before you turn 70, my friend.
Two points:
Delete1. Being aware of your hypocrisy doesn't make it acceptable.
2. I know this will only get you angry, but when I was your age I'd have responded as you have.
Heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI've been living with the deep pain of depression everyday for almost a decade. Some days aren't as heavy as others, but I don't know why but I refuse to go the suicide route. Some days I get so upset I feel like I am going to bust out of my skin and throw up at the same time but you CAN'T let yourself go there. Life is here right now, and no one knows for sure what's on the other side. That's a risk I'm not willing to take. Remember these bad feelings are a moment, and it is possible for life to change. I don't 100% believe it right now but I would rather try and find out.
ReplyDeleteAt least every year or two I read of breakthrough treatments for depression. Not all forms of depression are the same, not even close, so never be shy about dumping someone who's trying to help you if it's not working and searching for someone else. It's impossible to express real feelings in any way other than face-to-face, but for what it's worth, I hope you endure, keep seeking solutions and at some point find stability. You are right; it is possible for life to change.
DeleteLack of faith leads to suicide when a person becomes unable to endure the stresses of the contemporary life. Faith broadens the horizons and gives hope and confidence in the creator of this universe. The most Merciful, the most wise.
ReplyDeleteIt's usually the result of a traumatic incident with someone whom you couldn't bear to let go, and being seared. When such a scar leaves a wound deep inside, and you can do not a thing about it, it usually rears up its ugly head when the subconscious gives the order which ever is preferable, whether to die by cancer, any disease, by an accident or suicide. They are all ultimately means to the same end : annihilation. And when those who love you, see the suffering and the end of a great life, that is the merely the result of the choice made.
DeleteI've had the fog and weight of depression hanging on me for 35 years and been treated unsuccessfully many times. It never relents or gives me a day off, ever.
ReplyDeleteI only remain because of a sense of obligation to the people I've brought into this world. If she was married or had kids it may have made a difference. But maybe she thought it wasn't fair to bring others into her life and burden them with her illness.
There is a line that you cross where your obligation to family and friends is no longer as strong as your desire to die. I've crossed that line a few times, but I've been able to bring myself back, somehow.
I admire you for having the strength it takes to cope with your severe depression. I hope that if you have time you're in a support group of some kind. Others could learn much from you.
DeleteThanks, but I'm out of steam. I just quit my 18 year job because I cannot go physically drag myself to work one more day.
DeleteI have a daughter with a full ride to a great college that is now being tormented by this terrible disease. Last year she was valedictorian in high school but this year she's barely hanging on. I'm to blame, or at the very least my genetics are to blame. It is so hard to help someone, even your own daughter, when you can't even help yourself. However, I'm trying.
I feel like a drowning person trying to help another drowning person to shore. All I can do is fight for her until I have nothing left.
It's clear from how and what you write that you're intelligent, a quality your daughter also inherited. I wish I had magical powers that could heal you and others but no one does and I'm sure you've tried everything. I'm sure many tell you to "hang in there" and things like that, but we can't appreciate how excruciating it must be to live with it day to day. Simple bromides only make you feel worse.
DeleteI really really wish people would stop saying "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." especially if you are trying to "help". Not helping, that makes it worse, that puts people in danger. (A suicidal person WANTS a permanent solution so that makes it sound good, duh.) It is typical of a lot of "helpful" anti-suicide advice. "Just think of the pain you'll cause to the people that love you", etc. What do you think a suicidal person who believes no one loves them does with that? I'm speaking from personal experience here, and when I'm feeling suicidal I've learned the last place to look for helpful thoughts is anti-suicide sites or hotlines because they say stuff that only makes sense to a non-depressed person and only makes a truly suicidal person feel worse (because if you haven't been there YOU DO NOT GET IT AND CANNOT GET IT and you should be thankful for that but shut the fuck up with your "help" also). I grant that some of that stuff is probably effective with people that aren't really suicidal but are looking for attention, looking for proof that someone cares, etc. (A large percentage of "attempted" suicides fall in this category, especially among women according to the stats.) Anyway, pay attention to what the actual words of you glib advice are saying and how they will be perceived be a person in pain who believes there are no options for them and no one cares.
ReplyDeleteYou're just seeing the first part of that cliché, the "permanent" part. You're not seeing the "short-term problem" part.
DeleteMany of us have been there but it's a matter of how close. I've been closer than most, but I know that doesn't give me insight into you. You're right about women attempting suicide vs. men; more women attempt it, but they often do it with pills and shallow cuts. Men succeed more often because they use guns or other deadly things. The kind of person who attempted suicide that I was thinking of is someone like Kevin Hines, one of the thirty-six known survivors of an estimated 1,700 people who've jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, which Hines did in 2000. Of that, he said something like, "As soon as I was over the railing I realized that everything broken in my life could be fixed."
Feel free to hate me and to ignore everything I may ever say or write except this: I'm glad you are still alive. You seem bright and have passion and anger that could translate into something valuable and rewarding for us all, including you.
What a profoundly disturbing story. Her suicide note is really odd. The tone of it is wholly incongruous with its context. It reads more like something a peespe might right in a high school yearbook or that you might read in a farewell email from a long time co-worker who was retiring or taking another position. It's almost cheerful.
ReplyDeleteIt's also loaded with contradictions. She says she felt nothing at what should have been the brightest and darkest moments of her life,yet she was apparently so depressed she killed herself; sounds to me like she had a significant capacity to feel.
She was a real beauty too.
She obviously wanted a lot of people to know what she did; you don't publicly post a suicide note online unless you want the world to see it.
It makes me wonder if this was a cry for help and she didn't expect to succeed in her suicide attempt.
That happens. There are many accounts of people who survived a suicide attempt who say they didn't really want to do it and were really scared when it looked like they were actually going to succeed at it.
What a horror story.
No it's not. It's a goodbye to the world and all that she loved. She was open to the world and private to a few. And she was going, no mistake of it. But she seems to have been a wonderful person, very expressive, sharing and caring. It's both sad and ironic to discover her only after she's gone.
DeleteThank You B.
ReplyDeleteApparently there is more to life than hedonistic pursuits.
I only knew Tara peripherally. I can assure you that she volunteered actively, and that her job involved active and direct service with many people. Your assessment of her life and character are harsh and, frankly, gross.
ReplyDeleteYour choice to steal the words of a dead woman, and use them without permission on your blog is truly regretful. I do hope you choose to remove them—they are not yours to exploit.
I won’t speculate on your motives in writing this post, but it is, at best, deeply unkind in inappropriate.
Years ago, accounts of suicides were covered in Newspapers as regularly as homicides are today. Decades ago, however, newspaper editors came to treat them properly, as a private family tragedy. Now, they are only reported when they are of prominent people (Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain), or when they cause a significant disruption to a large group of people, as would be the case if someone's suicide stopped train traffic. In a few other cases warrant media coverage. One is in the case of a physician-suicide. Another, apparently, is when the victim of a suicide is someone like Ms. Condell's, whose death I learned of through an article in the Jan. 31, 2019 edition of the New York Post. That article, written by Tina Moore and Natalie Musumeci, had the headline, "Young Manhattan dietitian Tara Condell hanged herself after posting suicide note." It included several quotes from Ms. Condell's note and, more significantly, has a link to her website in its online version, which would easily searchable anyway. When you post something online and slate it to be visible to anyone, you lose your right to privacy as much as if you were to broadcast things about yourself on television or radio.
Delete"Exploit" might not be the best description of my actions. This blog is in now way monetized. It's just for me and my entries deservedly very seldom get more than thirty hits even after being posted for over a decade. I also don't think my assessment of Ms. Condell's life is harsh or gross, given what I know of her from what's been published. I say that she is very bright, had real depth, and that her death is as sad a thing as can be. I can't think of many people I'd say that about and it certainly wouldn't apply to me.
Ms. Condell's death is newsworthy because on the surface it would appear she had everything to live for. A successful career, youth, good health, intelligence. The lesson to be learned might be that we should all pay attention to those around us and be aware of clues that even the happiest of them may be giving us.
The real story is--why is this a story in the first place? For all the non-famous young, middle aged, and elderly men who have killed themselves, has the media or normies sheeple really ever given a shit?
ReplyDeleteI tried to answer this in my reply directly above. I hope you find it useful.
DeleteSounds like she may have suffered from Depersonalisation Disorder.
ReplyDeleteWould there be a way to tell that about someone, without being a mental health professional of some kind?
Deleterecently I lost a family member to suicide. it is heart breaking. I try to accept his decision, but can't help wondering why he thought it was the only way out. and how could he do this to his mother, his wife... to all of us who loved him. the pain of depression is so strong and one has only a wish to stop it regardless how the loved ones will feel.
ReplyDeleteArnold Schwarzenegger's film career will be remembered as being one of mostly crowd-pleasing action films in the 1980s and early 90s. In 1976, however, Schwarzenegger was in a much overlooked movie called "Stay Hungry." In a scene from that movie, which was co-written and directed by Bob Rafelson, the character Uncle Albert (Woodrow Parfrey) tells his nephew Craig (Jeff Bridges) about another of his uncles who loved goats and started a goat farm, to the horror of most of his family. The part of that scene I've never forgotten is below:
ReplyDeleteNow, the point is that to make anything meaningful out of a life it really doesn't matter what you do only that you
do something and do it unsparingly.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am very saddened by this Story my Prayers go out to her Family and Friends H
ReplyDeleteFrom her bio at Top Balance Nutrition, and her own website citing her deceased father for inspiring her to seek her career in nutrition, it was likely the lasting grief of losing him to illness that contributed to her choice. How does one build a career and life around the very things that remind you of his absence, of his missing in the sharing of all these good things she has lived but cannot fully enjoy because of the pain of loss that is reminded of constantly? Perhaps she believe she is not leaving us, but joining him. We mortals can only shake our heads and hope we make our choices differently, because the finality of death, whether accidental or intentional, is irrevocable. We did not walk in her shoes, and each person's path is their own. She theoretically has so much more life left but who knows? She could choose to go on and be struck by a bus the next morning, and circumstances of her demise may change but to condemn her choice to check-out on her terms, after seeing her father wither and suffer and die under her care, helpless to change that outcome, when she found herself without rest, even perhaps under treatment, might not seem brave, might now seem logical, but guess what, the living debate on but she's gone, her way. There is no kind way to leave the world of people who care about you, unless they all already died before you. And by then, there isn't anyone left who cares if you're unkind dying then.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with your assessment of what she could have done to save herself. Suicides don't happen just like that in such bright well-adjusted, high performing individuals. This is a dark secret part of her that goes with her wherever she goes. The reactions, feelings interactions she shares are the superficial part of her that get performed outside of this veil, within which she alone truly knows her own pain and loss. This pain is directly connected to the trauma of losing her father, for whom she had very deep love, bonding and attachment. The death of her father brought about a sense of feeling herself as weak, of not having enough capacities and help needed to save him. As a result, she suffered a deep guilt. Nostalgia and replay of memories of happy times before the event only exacerbated and resulted in her remaining regressed and not opening herself to all that was so good in her life as the fullest possibilities of change, but they always did not motivate her enough to throw out her pain or leave it behind. She remained detached to the happiest and darkest times of her life as she wrote in her note. It's as if she carried her dead father always in herself. She had been contemplating suicide for a decade she said. She could have sought help, but she may have felt paralysed, or felt it was too personal to share, or the wish to destroy and end her life was an option she wanted to retain.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to discount the extreme mental anguish she must have gone through for many years, but there are countless people who are as sensitive and have suffered as great a loss who also have whatever psychological problems Ms. Condell may have had who get through it and die of natural causes in old age. You're probably right in saying that my suggested solution to her plight wouldn't have gotten her through it; mine was a reaction based solely on one newspaper article and her suicide note. But I will not say her situation was hopeless. It never is except in a very few instances, which I write about in my Feb. 2 post.
DeleteI don't agree with your assessment of what she could have done to save herself. Suicides don't happen just like that in such bright well-adjusted, high performing individuals. This is a dark secret part of her that goes with her wherever she goes. The reactions, feelings interactions she shares are the superficial part of her that get performed outside of this veil, within which she alone truly knows her own pain and loss. This pain is directly connected to the trauma of losing her father, for whom she had very deep love, bonding and attachment. The death of her father brought about a sense of feeling herself as weak, of not having enough capacities and help needed to save him. As a result, she suffered a deep guilt. Nostalgia and replay of memories of happy times before the event only exacerbated and resulted in her remaining regressed and not opening herself to all that was so good in her life as the fullest possibilities of change, but they always did not motivate her enough to throw out her pain or leave it behind. She remained detached to the happiest and darkest times of her life as she wrote in her note. It's as if she carried her dead father always in herself. She had been contemplating suicide for a decade she said. She could have sought help, but she may have felt paralysed, or felt it was too personal to share, or the wish to destroy and end her life was an option she wanted to retain.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she needed a little love and understanding ,someone to talk to, someone to listen to her. It's very sad �� to hear her story, Tara left us all too soon wondering why, she looked so beautiful bright and happy,I am very sad myself to hear of this terrible tragedy.��❤️
ReplyDeleteI am the mother of a daughter who was lost to suicide 3 years ago. she was 24. my precious daughter was a high achiever who cared deeply about people. She was open about her mental illness. She was also a mental health activist. I live with the pain of her loss every minute of every day. To everyone commenting here... you dont have any idea of the pain that she lived with every day... the pain and anguish that we lived with every day and now the pain is even more excruciating. I hope to continue her activism
ReplyDeleteThere are two types of people in the world; parents who've lost a child and everybody else. I'm sure that with your activism you will save lives.
DeleteWe did not give permission to be brought into this tragic life. I do not forgive my parents. I'm here only because sex feels good ~ a total trick by our DNA composed of NON-LIVING elements.
ReplyDeleteCondell’s act of suicide is sad, and feels selfish where her mother, extended family, and friends are concerned. It’s a haunting, terrifying, powerless feeling to face someone you care about who wants to die; it’s like a tide in their lives that continually scrapes across their souls until denial is moot. If they are an adult, about the only thing you can try to do as a last resort, is have them put on a temporary involuntary hold in a psych ward as being a danger to themselves, because the many conversations you’ve had with them about how people who have attempted suicide and survived, like the Golden Gate jumper, come to understand that life does not have to end to get relief from the all encompassing, suffocating depression, never completely take root. I am reminded of Ernest Hemingway’s quotation “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” The rubic’s cube that cuts to the quick is how can you help someone understand the depression is temporary, especially when they get depressed repeatedly, that their tide will recede? Many of us will never feel the depth of sadness and hopelessness the chronically depressed experience...we’re not wired that way, and feel that no situation is ever hopeless, so not being able to make our afflicted loved ones feel that way too is devastating. Many who are deeply depressed post about it on their social media, and have disdain and contempt when told to “cheer up.” At some point an inability to recognize their own worth to the world surrounding them whose embrace they are numb to, leads to a lethal lack of self advocacy, which in time becomes midwife to their demise. It is a puzzle I have never mastered, although I was a member of the American Association of Suicidology, volunteered years at a suicide and crisis intervention center, went out with law enforcement on suicide related calls, and trained other volunteers. For every soul that acts as architect to its final voyage, instead of feeling joy for their release from the crippling agony of chronic depression, it is like a knife going into my heart. The overarching sense of despair over the premature loss of life, especially in the context of so many that struggle moment to moment to survive the ravages of terminal illness, never leaves. This morning there is news a man, older than Condell, tragically ended his life, actor Kristoff St. John. All I can do is acknowledge that suicide can run in families, that the mystery of neurobiology may play a role, and that at some point we recognize we cannot do for another what they are unwilling to do for themselves. We must hold our own friends and families tighter, keep fighting for those who reach out, and grieve for those lives with so much left to give who leave us. Their legacy is to reaffirm to us the preciousness of life, the capriciousness of anyone’s own cocktail of dna, the power of personal choices we may not endorse, and the need to continue research into chronic depression.
ReplyDeleteWords of wisdom from a knowledgeable source. Thank you for that. I've heard before that suicide, like depression, runs in families and I can attest to it personally. I wonder if having a parent commit suicide somehow makes it, among other things, acceptable to that parent's children.
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ReplyDeleteNot killing yourself when life is going badly is the opposite of cowardly. I'm glad you're still around whatever reason you use, faith, obligation to others, curiosity about the future. The world is a little better because you're still in it and doing good things, spreading a little of your essence to elderly people and dogs. Recently, I was struck by something the comedian David Spade said about his sister-in-law Kate Spade's suicide. “I feel like Katy wouldn’t have done it, five minutes later," he said. Too many suicides are done impulsively. You say Ms. Condell wasn't being selfish because she'd had no children. She did, however, have a mother and others who loved her. The pain a parent feels when losing a child is unimaginable.
DeleteTara decided to complete her life on her own terms. It would be selfish if she had children, but she didn't. I honestly feel she was heartbroken over the loss of her father.. I know.. I lost my mom a day before she lost her dad. My mom and I were extremely close. The day my heart broke was the day my moms heart stopped beating. Very, very, lonely w/o my mama. My dog died 15 hours after my mom, I survived a home invasion robbery a few months later, my uncle (moms bro) passed the following month, lost my moms home to a foreclosure. Lived in my truck for a month. Yes, I had that noose ready, but..?? Im a coward I guess?? Not to sound like a "holy roller", but my faith is what keeps me here.. My mama was a southern baptist. It would break her heart and we only get one time on this earth. What makes me happy? Seeing other people happy..Spending time with senior citizens. Fostering senior dogs.. Being there at every hour for whoever needs to talk. Anyway.. There's always tomorrow. Goodnight and God bless everyone. �� = ❤
ReplyDeleteA big hug to you. From Rome
DeleteStop trying to save those who don't want to be saved. Your topics about suicide (cowardice, selfishness, permanent solution... blah blah blah) are just justifications of your moral position, which is no way better than the suicidal's person one.
ReplyDeleteI have no morals. I have ethics, and I think it's unethical to commit an act that will cause great pain to innocent others forever unless you're doing it because of your own unbearable physical pain or imminent death.
DeleteIn any case, I hope you are not considering suicide and that if you are you'll seek help from someone far wiser than I am.
If you are so worried about avoiding suffering to others you should preach about the unethical act of procreation and let the people be free to choose when and how quit of this world.
DeleteThere are many reasons not to have children. I'd put the damage to the planet as the primary one, though, not the fact that they would suffer. And I say this as one who genuinely believes it would have been better if I'd never been born. As for letting people be free to choose their deaths, I'm for it if the reasons are physical. I'm against it if they're angst-ridden, depressed twentysomethings living in New York City. If you had seen Ms. Condell about to jump off a bridge and were the only one around, would you really have said and done nothing, knowing that the majority of such people, when saved, don't attempt suicide again?
DeleteI think its interesting that the authoer of this post said the girl didn't indicate that she did things with others when her entire CAREER was in the health care field as a nutrtionist. Her vocation was with others, its not like she was just model or actress she clocked in to help and work with others everyday.
ReplyDeleteThere is a vast difference between dealing with people in your working life and dealing with them in your personal life. The first is for remuneration and there are rules that define and limit what you do. The second comes from the heart and involves you with others in ways that extend beyond your working hours. Even the most dedicated health care workers justifiably delineate their work from their life; to not do so is to risk career burnout. They may use their off time to decompress or to do other things that involve other people—friends, family, strangers in need of aid. I suggested that she may have found more of a reason to endure her depression if she'd been motivated by the needs of others. I may be right, I may be wrong; it was just a proposition of a possible solution.
DeleteEverybody that is commenting on this has no idea on wanting to leave the world. You guys have never been suicidal . And invalidating all of her suffering and saying your useless platitudes will always be noneffective. You guys will never stop the bulk of suicides. And to Tara, I know your at peace and it doesn't matter what anyone says negative about you. You've tried, succeeded, and did the best you could. Rest in peace angel.
ReplyDeleteTo me, thinking that Ms. Condell still exists in any form and is reading this is worse than useless; it's dangerous. Look at the picture of her again and tell me how much she seemed to be suffering at the moment it was taken. We all have our highs and lows and I've had lows that were bad enough that I've been tempted to end my life. I'm glad I didn't, as are the vast majority of those who've survived suicide attempts. Things get better. Play the hand you've been dealt.
DeleteI know the feeling baby girl.. I know you hurt for your father. The only one who probably understood you most. I feel the same about my mama. She passed suddenly. My dog died 15 hours after. You didnt have any children. If you did, I honestly feel you would still be here with us. After my mom died, I was beat and stabbed in a hone invasion robbery.Lost my moms house the following month. My uncle who I loved heart & soul vomited blood all over me.. He died the following week. I lived In my truck with my dogs for some time. Why am I here? I have siblings.. They wouldn't know if I were dead or alive. Again, why am I here? Well.. I'm too much of a coward to do what you did. And I am a mother now. But most import.. Hearing my mama's voice saying, "Always thank God you woke up another day" And I do. I may not have a degree or material things, but I have hope.. I love seeing my son smile. I love seeing others in general happy. I love having a half hour conversation with a lonely senior citizen on a bus bench and I love surprising them come Christmas morning with a tiny gift. Life is tough, but you only live once. Wish I would have known you. God take care of you sweet girl. ��
ReplyDeleteDude, you are CLUELESS. When one is depressed, none of the nonsensical fixes that you suggest would do a damned thing. And way to end your post with a clear statement of judgment, by calling the poor girl selfish.
ReplyDeleteWhy would you even write this in the first place? To spread a bunch of nonsense philosophy and to make sure that anyone who is hurting and who reads this just feels even worse about him or herself?
This is why people should stop blogging. Keep your thoughts to yourselves when they're as close-minded as these are.
Jesus. What an ass. Sometimes I really hate the internet, without it I'd never have been exposed to this crap.
Sorry you feel that way. From what you wrote it's clear you didn't read what I wrote carefully. Besides, do you really think I'm going to listen to someone who begins with the word "dude"?
DeleteI appreciate your dedicated analysis of this tragic event, but I highly doubt that volunteering more in the community would have cured Tara's depression and prevented her from committing suicide. Go on Google and look up all of the beautiful photographs of her, and pay close attention to her eyes. The eyes are always the truest indicator of emotion. Tara's eyes looked completely dead in every single picture, even when she was hanging out with her closest friends or eating delicious food. On the rare occasion when she smiled in a picture, the smile always looked forced and inauthentic. To me, it was almost immediately apparent that she was a chronically depressed individual. Sure, maybe she could have gotten medication or found a husband to marry (not a difficult task when you are 10/10 beautiful like she was), but I don't think that would have come close to solving her underlying difficulties. Imagine how much worse her death would have been if she had a doting husband and two little kids. Yes, her mother and close friends will most likely suffer for a lifetime, but the damage could have been much more substantial if she had gone on to build a family of her own.
ReplyDeleteI agree with much of what you said in your original post. Tara's suicide note was extremely cringeworthy and materialistic, and she would have cemented a more respectable legacy if she wrote a little bit more about how much she would miss her family/friends rather than food/clothing/cities. However, I can't blame her for her final act. If a combination of supportive family/friends, traveling, community/hospital service, wealth, and delicious food can't make you happy, then I don't know what will. Tara's suicide was a tragic event, and it is a choice that I would call selfish given the fact that she is leaving her widowed mother behind and dozens of doting friends. However, while I do not agree with her decision, I understand it. She just couldn't stand the pain anymore, and she could no longer hang on for the people she loved without significant suffering. I am an atheist, and as far as I am concerned, once you are gone you are gone. Tara's body is in the ground now, but her essence no longer exists.
I am also interested in hearing your thoughts about whether Tara's mixed race background (half Chinese half White) had something to do with her depression and eventual suicide. I know that many Hapa's have some major identity issues because they are not fully accepted by either ethnic group. Tara certainly had physical beauty going in her favor, and it was obvious that she was trying to play herself off as white based upon her manner of dress and the people she spent the most time with. But damn, did that woman have the world at her fingertips. She probably could have chosen from almost every eligible bachelor in New York.
RIP Tara Condell, but I feel worse for the family she left behind.
Thank you for your cogent and civilized comment. A thing all too rare online, as everyone knows.
ReplyDeleteI do see your point, but there is no way, no matter what anyone says, that I will ever think it's all right to kill yourself unless you're in great constant physical pain that there's no hope of relieving or you're terminally ill. I don't think the possibility of her having had a family which would have been harmed by her suicide is a valid argument for a few reasons, one of them being that having a spouse and offspring more often gives people a reason to live.
Later this month, I'll have my usual scans that will tell me whether I'll be dead within a year or not. (The odds are against me, three to one.) If they show that I will be, I'll put up with it for as long as I can and kill myself when it gets too awful and life is no longer worth living and there's no hope it ever will be. With the right treatment, that will be just weeks or a month before I'd be dead anyway. Doing this at my age (over sixty) would upset no one I know more than dying of natural causes at that point would, and I'd try to do it legally in a good environment.
I didn't know Ms. Condell was mixed race. I know little about the effects of that, but having lived in Asia for a number of years, I do know a few people who are half Asian half Caucasian and live full, happy lives. In the cases of the people I know, however, all lacked the biological tendency for depression.
If you're young and healthy but severely depressed and want to die, why not make it interesting? Buy a survival guide and strand yourself on an uninhabited tropical island. Get a motorcycle and see how fast you can go on an open road. Take crazy drugs. Learn to wingsuit fly and jump off mountains. Learn a martial art, turn yourself into a decoy and fight crime. Do these sound crazy? Yes. But imagine if suicide had never existed and you'd never heard of it and then someone told you they were going to kill themselves. Think of how insane that would sound.
Thank you for writing this❤ You took time out of your life to inspire a 25 year old girl like me to keep fighting and live another day...it means a lot, thank you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my twenties in the 1980s, the idea of committing suicide occurred to me often. One night, alone on a train platform, I knew that if I had a gun in my hand I'd have put it against my head and pulled the trigger. I had no access to guns at that time; I was overseas in a nation in which they were hard to get. The mid-to-late twenties are a time when idealism often dies, crushed by unyielding, often cruel realities, and some react to this in extreme ways, which include taking a shot at someone famous, trying to make a splash in the art world, and committing suicide. Time brings acceptance and calmness, which is often derided as complacency, though that needn't be a result. One thing that kept me from killing myself was knowing how devastating that would have been to some around me, people who, however badly I may have thought they treated me, were undeserving of that. I'm glad I've stuck around for as long as I have.
DeletePlease don't be reluctant to seek professional help for extreme problems you may have. Anyone who knows "a lot" is two words is a worthy person in my book, and I bet you have many other fine qualities.
You took someone else’s suffering out of the tragic but ever singular context that is their own, and made it about what you think. Shame on you.
ReplyDeleteWhat you and I have in common is that we've both expressed an opinion about the actions of someone else in a forum that can't possibly benefit either of us in any way, as this blog is anonymous and not monetized.
DeleteA difference is that what I wrote cannot in any way cause harm to the person it refers to, and was a reaction to a published report in a major newspaper, nor was it designed to. Your comment is targeted and written specifically to make me feel bad. (It doesn't, but that's beside the point.)
With the above in mind, which of us should feel shame?