I'm not looking forward to upsetting my brothers. I'm dreading the reaction. They're calm, mature men, so I don't expect that there will be too great a leap into crises mode, but I do fear that the news will be followed by more phone calls and visits than I'll want.
We'll see. Even people you know well don't always react to things the way you think they will.
After I tell them, it will be time to tell others. Friends, old and new. I'd rather not, but considering that my leg will be amputated soon, word of some kind will get out anyway and it's good to disseminate more information than less, I think, and as I've said before, I don't want to have to explain my condition repeatedly.
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Me, shopping, earlier today, around 1 o'clock. Bad weather had been predicted and now, a few hours later, there is a coating of ice. Schools were let out early, libraries closed. I went to a supermarket, which I'd planned to do anyway. The lines were long but nothing crazy. There are many supermarkets near me and they range from middle class ones, like Acme, to the more expensive Whole Foods. There is also a Trader Joe's and a Wegmans, all a short drive from where I live. I visit all of them over the course of a week or so as each has items I like that the others don't.
Today, I went to the Acme. The usual types were in the express line. Harried moms, an elderly man clutching a loaf of white bread, me getting cheese, bagels, and eggs. And I see this girl. So young. So calm. So pretty. Who is she? Who does she live with? Is she a college student? What things will she see, what problems will she face in the many decades of her life that will pass between my death and hers?
Whether or not I'll be alive a year from now is a fifty-fifty proposition. If I am, it's fairly certain I won't be doing my own shopping and seeing things like this.
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| Shoppers in the express lane of an Acme supermarket. |
I clicked through to your blog after seeing your post re: the NY Times story about aging. I'm about the same age as you (58) and lived for a few years near West Chester. My heart goes out to you as you deal with your rapidly declining health. My brother died two years ago at 61. He had atrial firbrillation but chose to not tell anyone of his condition (like you, he probably didn't want to be pestered). I hope things went as well as you hoped they would with your brothers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your brother. He may have not told people because he wanted to spar them the sadness of knowing. Or he wanted to be with friends and family without his illness being the central topic of every conversation.
DeleteI haven't told my brothers yet. I'd determined to do so today but now I'm questioning that.
Thank you for your kind wishes and thoughts.
B.
B., I don't condone my brother's approach. He didn't know he was going to die -- he was making plans for the years to come, in fact. It would have been nice to know his health condition but there were many, many areas of his life that he closed off from the world. I feel sad for him that he missed experiencing the intimacy and care that could have enriched his life (and also aggravated him, if he didn't want people asking after his health, etc.). If you care for your brothers and they care for you, you could see it as an act of compassion to let them know. But maybe it seems like the right thing to not tell them. Do your brothers know about your blog? It seems if they did they would already know.
DeleteHello. I too discovered your blog through the NY Times story about aging. I wonder why yesterday you consider to be your last normal day? I can't help but feel angry - I don't even know you. Complete and total loser? You have today....tomorrow is promised to no one. I enjoy reading your musings but feel frustrated at the lack of hope. I have been through many many tough times in my life, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and a survivor of domestic violence....coming into and finally feeling comfortable in my own voice as I enter my 60's. I guess it is all prep work for the next stage? I wish you well and want to keep reading, but not the ending....keep on going and going and writing and writing.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about it as my last normal day because I haven't divulged information about my health to anyone other than the doctors involved with it.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you in the past and I admire your strength in getting over them. There are some things, however, that can't be defeated no matter how strong a person's attitude is or how much they do, and if you read about chondrosarcomas, you'll learn that it's one of them.
I am doing what I can to enjoy each day.
Thank you for your kind wishes.
Thank you....for your graciousness. You are right, obviously - some bad things won't get better. I hope you do something for yourself everyday if possible, that you always wanted to do, or enjoy a food you never tasted before, dream a dream you never thought of, something new and different. Or, would something familiar and comforting be better? Please do keep on writing and sharing your experiences. We are all here for a certain amount of time - some of us know when we must leave, and how that will occur.
DeleteAnother person admiring your writing who came to you from the NYT link. I’m amount halfway through 2010. You have touched me deeply - and not only because your life seems likely to end soon. I hope you discover soon that you are far from a complete and total loser - anyone who can turn a phrase the way you do is not, cannot be a loser. I wish you courage and peace.
ReplyDeleteI am touched by your kind words. I started this blog to vent anonymously at how the world treats me and getting words down in print of some kind helps one to think about things. This blog usually gets about five views a day and no comments; I suspect the views are accidental. That's never bothered me as I've been doing it for myself. That you or anyone else has gotten anything out of it is extremely flattering, and that you and a few others have said kind things is a positive reflection of the kind of person who reads the New York Times.
DeleteCourage and peace. Yes. Those should be my great wants and needs in the future.