Resolutions I won't make

1. Get off the OK Cupid profile a man half my age with a similar email address made years ago, which means I get access to profiles and pictures of women in their twenties and early thirties who live on the east coast of Florida, 850 miles from
   
   me, by email. Sometimes I almost forget I'm not the young man, who seems like a nice guy and is working on getting his HVAC license and is fond of wearing baseball hats, and consider messaging the women. Almost
2. Live each day to its fullest. Just because I have enough medical conditions that I'm surprised I've lived to see 2020 and am still wondering whether or not I'll be around to vote in November doesn't mean I have the character and discipline it would take to live differently now than I have until now
3. Switch to a vegan diet. It's a wonderful thing to do and if half the world did it the planet would be a noticeably better place to live than it is now in just a few years, but on days like this, dank, overcast days with short daylight hours and with so little promise of human connection that I haven't spoken to anyone the entire day, which is now nearly over, eating the chicken thighs I baked in a toaster oven for dinner comforted me the way no vegan meal ever has
4. Read a book a week. I read twenty-four books in 2019, which is twice the average, though the mean American reader reads just four. I'm a slow reader and not very bright. I use an index card for a bookmark and keep a pen nearby so I can write things on it like the names of characters and simple facts known about them like their ages and relationships to others in the book. If I don't do this, my physically large (twenty-four inches) but nearly
   
   useless head dumps this information so fast that when the character is mentioned ten pages from when introduced I have no idea who it is and have to backtrack. I just began reading I, Claudius, and just six pages in I'm not sure of what year it is in the book because Claudius was born in 10 BCE and died in 54 CE, meaning he was ... sixty-four?
5. Lose fifteen pounds. I don't eat anything two days a week, Mondays and Thursdays, and I watch what I eat the other days. Despite having done this for about a year, my weight has remained the same. I barely fit into clothes I wore three years ago. You always hear that you gain weight when you age. What you don't hear is that when you do, it stays
6. Be nicer to people. Really, I've been very nice to people lately. The only times I get a little testy is when they rush to my aid to help me do things I'd rather do for myself because of my having one leg now. They do it to establish how virtuous they are (I can tell) and they're using me to do so and I resent that
7. Sleep more. I sleep too much already. Most Americans feel bad when they sleep the right amount and brag about how little sleep they get. They shouldn't. Not getting enough sleep is bad for your cognitive health and it shows