Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Loser's history of physical love

couple in love kissing
Later, these two may fuck.
The Complete and Total Loser was a late bloomer. He was fourteen before he found out what it would feel like to fuck. It felt great. When you’re a kid a lot of life is discovering new sensations. There’s being tickled, tasting sugar, sneezing, but this was like discovering that he could fly. He remembers looking at his math teacher during class the next day and thinking this is a married man who could do what he had done last night with a woman all the time, if his wife was OK with it. It seemed crazy to him that life was structured around anything but fucking. Why weren’t people working harder to make robot farmers, doctors and laborers to take care of our basic needs so everybody could just fuck all day?
The Loser went to an all boys school and he didn’t know any girls until he went to college. By then, of course, he didn’t think everyone should just fuck all day but he still wanted to do it, of course. He was good at being friends with women but it stopped at that and it wasn’t until he was a junior in college that he even kissed a woman. She was also the first one he fucked. Everyone had told him that fucking was easy, that instinct would tell you what to do. It wasn’t true. There were angles inside women that you had to consider when getting started but you couldn’t see them because they were internal. And you couldn’t really see things well from where you were. It was like playing the harmonica.
He liked fucking, though. For the first time what the Loser had been doing alone for seven years was giving pleasure to someone else. He didn’t love her but he wanted to and he told himself that since you fuck people you love maybe you’d love people you fuck but that didn’t work so they only fucked a couple of times but the friendship remained. He fucked again during graduation week, again, someone who’d been a very good friend, and again, just a couple times. They lived far apart. After college the Loser lived in Minneapolis for awhile and a woman who lived in the house next door liked him and he liked her and they fucked sometimes. She’d go away and then come back and they’d fuck. They didn’t really have a lot in common but he learned that he did feel an intimacy with her that was beyond friendship so he can say he’s never had meaningless sex. There’s always an exchange of primal trust and that means something. She went away and joined the Army and he never saw her again.
He thought his adult life would have lots of fucking in it but the Loser was, as usual, wrong. He was still good at being friends with women, but still not good at anything beyond that so after the woman in Minneapolis he didn’t fuck anyone for fifteen years. For five of those years he was living overseas, was often in countries where it was legal and condoned to pay women to fuck, but he never did that, even though it was inexpensive and the women were pretty. It wasn’t a moral thing, he just never saw the point to it. To the Loser, fucking means that someone likes you and fucking someone you don’t even know who’s fucking you because she needs money might hate you for all you know so why bother? It felt just as good doing it himself. He fell in love during that time, but they didn’t fuck and she married someone else. The woman he fucked after those fifteen years was again more of a friend and again they just fucked a few times and again that ended. That was in 1997 and he hasn’t fucked anyone since. He’s gone out with a few women over the years but one of us, them, never likes the other as more than a friend so we end up not fucking.
He hasn’t kept count but the Loser doesn’t think he’s fucked more than twenty times in his life. He wasn’t so bad at fucking that anyone complained, but he wasn’t so great at it that a woman ever said what every man dreams of hearing, which is, “I’m gonna tell my girlfriends about you!” Now that he’s older the drive to fuck isn’t what it was and he’s pretty sure that he’ll never fuck again, which is OK with him. The Loser does have a profile on a dating site but the women there don’t like him any more than the ones in real life and honestly, he’s usually not crazy about them. He hasn’t met any of them for years. He looks at their profiles, thinks about writing to them but ends up saying, fuck it.

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