Monday, January 25, 2016

The Loser and Riley's mom

anonymous mug shot
This isn't her; it's an anonymous mug shot.
In the Complete and Total Loser’s pathetic—and fruitless—search for love, he has sometimes put a profile of himself on OKCupid, a free dating service. He does this, reads women’s profiles, and sometimes sends them a message. The site informs him that they have viewed his profile and afterward he never hears from them again. C’est la vie!
In some rare instances women contact him first. They are usually not to the Loser’s liking, but he appreciates the effort and is polite when declining their invitations to meet, if they go that far. The most recent woman to do this has the screen name Rileysmom. (There are some digits after that, but the Loser will grant her anonymity.)

Riley’s mom is 60 years old (three years older than the Loser) and lives in Princeton, New Jersey. 

When filling out her profile, she put under “What I’m doing with my life”: 
I work 5 days a week and I have time for a real nice white guy with a good heart
(She forgot the period.)

The six things Riley’s mom could “never do with out” are:
my daughter
my car
my phone
my health

(That’s five; the Loser guesses that Riley’s mom is either a woman with simple needs or not a stickler when it comes to arithmetic.)

Riley’s mom spends “a lot of time thinking about”:
if I'm gonna find that one lucky guy who likes me for me
no games or bs

On a typical Friday night Riley’s mom is:
home cause I have to work on Saturdays

Men should message Riley’s mom if:
your (sic) real your (sic) a nice guy with a good heart. and u want to go out and do things. I don't have time for games or your bs JUST saying

Below is the entire exchange between Riley’s mom and the Complete and Total Loser:

Riley’s mom:
wow your profile really sucks

Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks! Take care and stay warm!

Riley’s mom:
you too loser

Complete and Total Loser:
Thank you very much for your interest. I think, however, that we live too far apart to make seeing each other practical, as nice as the Princeton area is. I wish you success on this site and a happy 2016!

Riley’s mom:
I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth. get real. ass

Complete and Total Loser:
Thanks for getting back to me! Yes, it does seem dumb to let distance get in the way of meeting, but I’m sure there are plenty of good men closer to you in Princeton, and I
ve met good women in my area. Of course, there’s no reason we can't keep up our friendly banter online! I think it’s downright sexy when women contact men first the way you did. In our traditional society, its still usually the man who is expected to make first contact. And hey—if you’re ever in Philadelphia’s western suburbs, lunch or dinner is on me! Your daughter Riley is lucky to have such a kind, understanding, intelligent and bold mother. Got a lot of snow to start shoveling. Later!

1 comment:

  1. Riley's mom has an uncanny resemblance to Stephen K. Bannon!