New job, first day

Books? Who the hell reads books anymore?

The Complete and Total Loser started orientation for his new job at ten o'clock yesterday. At 10:15, the woman giving it quit, so the Loser gave the rest of it by reading from the packet and winging it. Everyone was on the registers by 10:30. At 10:45, all the supervisors and all but one of the managers quit, so the Loser had to step in and do even more. At 11:55, the one remaining manager quit, so the Loser took over everything. At one o'clock, the district manager came in after lunch and said he'd gotten a better offer so he was leaving too. The Loser bought slices of a cheesecake in the cafeteria and held a brief going away party for him, whatever his name was. He was gone by 1:20. The Loser called the CEO of the company and told him what was going on. He promoted the Loser over the phone to store and district manager, so the Loser's gonna be pretty busy! At three the Loser decided the store's sales were high enough for the day so he closed the store. Some customers weren't too happy about that, but the Loser's new staff was as he'd said they'd get paid for the day and bumped up their salaries by $5 an hour. 
Later last night, the company's CEO called the Loser and said he was thinking of getting out of retail and going into teaching and did
the Loser have any interest in his position? The Loser told him he disliked being called at home after work but that he'd think about it. 
It was a heck of a first day. The Loser will open the store today at noon, maybe later. He may be late because he's going to swing by a grocery store and buy a lot of produce and meat to sell instead of the company's main current product, which is books. He might also get a few dozen cases of beer too and see how those sell. He has a company credit card, so it won't be at his expense.