Monday, October 21, 2013

How to Lower your PSA

Prostate Specific Antigen is the stuff that liquifies your semen so you can inject women with your filthy, dirty DNA and make this hopelessly overcrowded world even more stretched for precious resources than it already is. It's what rape kits look for and is produced by your prostate gland. When you have prostate cancer the goo leaks into your bloodstream and a measurement of it indicates whether or not you have prostate cancer. Or not. 
A variety of things can make more of it show up. Having sex, a vigorous bike ride, being fucked in the ass. If you have your PSA level checked annually, like the Complete and Total Loser does because his father had it, the Loser is over 50 and he is a loser, one thing to look for beside the number is the velocity of it. How much did it rise over a given time period?
wires in pipes
No one really knows how anything works.

The Loser had it checked in May of 2012 and it was 3. He had it checked in June of this year and it was 4.5. Uh-oh, said his doctor. Zero is great; 4.5 is shitty if you're under 60, which the Loser is, and means a biopsy is warranted. For those, they shove stuff up your ass and take tiny cores. After them, there's blood in your piss and ejaculate.
"If you go to a urologist," the Loser's doctor said, "he'll tell you what I'm going to tell you which is to get it checked in three months and see where we are."
OK, said the Loser. In between he read a big book about it that gave him enough info to bore others with, which he has mercifully confined to this site (he's told no friends or family). 
When you get a book on medical stuff what you look for is the most current one written by someone who works at a hospital you've heard of. The Loser found The Whole Life Prostate Book, which came out last year.
The book went on and on about diet, which many medical books do. Dull, nagging reading, but it reminded the Loser of what he's long known but wasn't acting on: The American diet is a bad one. The most telling fact about this is that when people emigrate from countries with different diets and low cancer rates to America, their rates of cancer match ours within a generation or two. 
The Loser's ready to die, but he doesn't want death to come from his own cells going apeshit and eating him from inside. No. He wants to die by diverting a terrorist attack of some kind. To avoid death, the Loser took some steps. Three months later he went back to his doctor and had blood drawn. Two days later, his doctor called.
Bend over and spread 'em, Loser.

"I have wonderful news!" he ejaculated. "Your PSA level came back at 2.9. The thing to do now is nothing until your next annual physical when we'll do another test." 
Here's what the Loser did to lower his PSA level;
  • He bought those bags of lettuce you see at supermarkets and ate salads every night. Leaves, a few cubes of tofu, a handful of walnuts, oil and vinegar salad dressing = dinner. He always ate a decent breakfast and lunch. He now eats almost no meat. Fish about once a week. Never beef, never lamb, seldom chicken. Pork? Are you kidding?
  • He cut a lemon in half every morning and squeezed half into his smoothie and half into his nightly beer. Lemon juice is supposed to be good for you blood. It changes its PH level. Not that doing that has anything to do with cancer. 
  • Speaking of that nightly beer, the Loser bought a case of 7-ounce bottles and limits himself to one a night, two on days off. With less booze and the salads, he lost 15 pounds over the first two months and gets on the scale every day now to keep an eye on is weight.
  • Before his last test, he stayed off his bicycle and didn't jerk off for three days. That last part, the jerking off, is very easy to do for him, by the way.
The Loser has no idea if this reversed anything or made him less likely to get cancer, but until June of 2014 he doesn't have to worry about it and that's enough for him.

No comments:

Post a Comment