Doctorspeak translations -- prostate cancer

• Your PSA level's a little high. = You're dying of cancer.
• Don't worry about it, but we'll retest it in three months. = It won't be long now, but we'll dangle hope and get as much money from you as we can before you die.
• Doing a biopsy would show us what's going on and determine a future course of action. = The cancer you're dying of will spread all over from that stupid little gland no one ever thinks about.
• There's a lot we can do before we talk about surgery. = There's no hope for you. You're dying of cancer and your death will be slow and painful. Stupid gland. The only way anyone can feel it is through your asshole. That oughtta tell you something.
• Targeted radiation therapy is the best option. = You've heard about how prostate cancer has a good cure rate these days? Not for you!
• The best thing to do now would be to remove the prostate. = During surgery, we'll position you in a such a way that you can kiss your ass goodbye.
• The surgery was successful. Come back in six weeks and we'll see how things are. = Have fun with the humiliating incontinence. Hope you said goodbye to sex! All that, and you're doomed anyway. Now you can bore coworkers and family to death about your stupid prostate gland.