A Loser Idea

Many of the customers in the store the Complete and Total Loser works in are elderly. When you get old, your muscles lose their tone and that includes the anal sphincter. That means gas escapes. Today, someone just feet away from the Loser was really ripping them. The Loser is good at not turning around or responding in any way.

He does, however, have two plans for when he's elderly and burdened with a similar problem.

• Stay home. Always. Even now, the Loser sees little point in going anyplace.
• Carry his cell phone with him at all times. (The Loser has one but seldom carries it with him; he has no friends so he receives no calls.) If there's an instance of audible flatulence, the Loser will grab his cell phone, put it to his ear and say, "Hello?" People will think he's a funny old coot with a humorous ring tone rather than the truth.