The Complete and Total Loser has done it again. Broken something that cannot be replaced. The cover of a ceiling fluorescent light. Oh, he tried. Hard. Many phone calls to many places.
You'd be surprised how many people say, "Bring the broken one here," and were suspicious of the idea of getting an email with photos and measurements. They don't say it, but the Loser can sense what they're thinking: That's not how it's done. Men get in cars and drive all over for this kind of thing, spending time and gas to see for themselves.
The Loser said to some, in a friendly way, "C'mon, let's be twenty-first century and do what we can by email." Sure enough, none had what he needed. At last, hope. A place online in Minneapolis. Measurements sent, photos too. Confirmation over the phone. Arrives two weeks later. Not a fit and the Loser, being a Loser, breaks it while trying to put it on.
Oh, to live in a totalitarian society where all cars, houses, mailboxes, suits and goddamn lighting fixtures are identical!