Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Ten things the Loser has learned from Flickr

sleeping baby

The Complete and Total Loser is a voyeur, peering into the lives of the successful and happy. In the past he stared at the photos coming down the little slide on the photo machines in pharmacies while pretending to peruse the batteries. Now he needn't leave his apartment. He can go to and click the reload section on the home page and bring up photos from all over the world. He can click on those and enter the photostream of a complete stranger. It is as if he has broken into an apartment building for the United Nations and is entering the apartments where all he does is thumb through their photo albums. He has learned the following:

girls doing handstands
It's not supposed to be, but this photo is sexy as hell.
1. South Americans are sexy. Europeans are stylish. Americans are fun-loving but often overweight. Asians are cute.
2. You can never take too many photographs of: Parties, weddings, your baby.
3. Provocative: Girls taking pictures of each other in come hither poses. Creepy: Men taking pictures of women from behind in public spaces.
4. Cats are calm and often half asleep. Dogs are eager to please and as active as the people they're with. The result: Cats are easier to photograph than dogs so there are many more cat pictures.
5. When young people, especially men, are photographed they make fake gang signs in the belief this makes them witty yet mildly threatening.
6. There are hundreds of photographs of wool. Or is it yarn? Is there a difference? Is yarn just wool that's been turned into string?
7. Professional photographers take the least interesting photographs.
8. Photos of the elderly are usually sad.
9. Never show your friends photographs you took of: Sunsets, flowers, interesting cloud formations, most landscapes, interiors of the room you stayed in while on vacation. In fact, limit most vacation photos. Getting drunk on a beach was fun then. The memory of it is pathetic.

10. Very few people look good while singing or playing musical instruments. Never photograph someone while they're eating.

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