Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Loser's Tom Swifties

He is a tremendous dork, the Complete and Total Loser. A lover of dumb jokes, puns and wordplay. A coworker brought up Tom Swifties, sentences in which the adjective describing how the speaker says something refers to what is being said, and the Loser's bald, large head catches on fire. He makes up one every few minutes. They're awful, funny to him, but get only polite laughter from his coworkers, who are bored and would listen to anything.
  • "I can't click my fingers!" he snapped.
  • "There's moisture on the windows because it's cold outside," he said condescendingly.
  • "I have a new light bulb!" she said brightly.
  • "I'm worried about the situation in the Middle East," he said seriously.
  • "And I also don't like arithmetic," he added.
  • "Your frog's dead," he croaked.
  • "Sure, I'll try some venison," she said gamely.
  • "I'm the best phlebotomist there is," he said vainly.
  • "The hairdresser did a good job," he said dutifully.
  • "Have you traveled in France?" he asked nicely.
  • "You're a son of a bitch," she sobbed.
  • "I got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia," he said offhandedly.
  • "Frog legs taste like chicken," he croaked.
  • "Your pencil's dull," she said pointedly.
  • "But global warming is real!" he said heatedly.
  • "I love evergreens," she opined.
  • "It's time I put my gear away," he said stoically.
  • "I ... used to be ... in ... a circus," he said stiltedly.
  • "I may cut off your electricity," he said darkly.
  • "Don't forget the rock salt," she said icily.
  • "I don't think that shellfish meal is sitting well," he said clammily.
  • "Go easy on potato chips," she said wisely.
  • "I can't afford more duct tape," she said tearfully.
  • "If I pay cash, how about a discount on these beads?" she said craftily.
  • "Get that dog out of here!" he barked.
  • "Piglets!" she squealed.
  • "Feathers!" he chirped.
  • "We're out of preserves!" he said jarringly.
  • "I didn't get into Colgate," he said, crestfallen.
  • "That's a nice toupee," he said peacefully.
  • "Tom and Dick are the only ones here!" he said harriedly.
  • "It's a porn movie!" he ejaculated.
  • "I've got to get to Ketchum!" he said earnestly.

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