Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Loser's Guide to Cooking Beans

We losers are poor and being poor means eating beans. Losers are also socially inept and being socially inept means that what's wanted from beans is protein, not gas. There are two ways to cook beans, one which reduces the amount of gas, the other that does not. Dried beans are available in bulk at most wholesome places and even at their priciest they're still a bargain. When losers buy lots of beans and cart them home in their sad little bags they feel good knowing they have a huge amount of food stored. In back of their little, loser heads they think how if there were some kind of apocalyptic event they'd be able to hole up in their cramped and dingy abodes and live on their beans for weeks to come while others starve. This makes them feel they have a chance of being, for once in their lives, winners.
Short Soak/Boil Method
Boil beans in water for 3 minutes in a heavy-bottomed pot. Cover and set aside for 2 to 4 hours (soaking longer doesn't help or hurt). Drain and discard water. Rinse beans. Cook for two hours or until beans are soft. Use 3 to 4 cups of water for every cup of dried beans when cooking. Keep water about an inch above beans. Drain when done. Don't add salt till done. This method reduces the hard-to-digest complex sugars by 80 percent.
Long Soak Method
Soak beans for 8 hours or overnight. Drain and discard water. Rinse beans and proceed with cooking.

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