Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Loser on Sports

rocky steps philadelphia
An athletic woman on top of the "Rocky steps," Philadelphia.
Never, not even once, live or on television, has the Complete and Total Loser watched a football game.
As a child he realized he'd never play the game or many others, even for fun. Even now he doesn't understand why his fellow cripples and the old, the blind, and women watch the game. He's seen bits and pieces of football games over the years as he watches the local news and channel surfs. He sees a series of meetings punctuated by television commercials and brief action sequences in which a man catches or carries a ball a laughably short distance.
The Loser likes non-team sports. He watched things like tennis and Olympic sports until the announcers decided there can never be a five second period without their voices telling the viewer what he's seeing. He is not against exercise. He bikes, swims and lifts weights.
Once, in his early 20s, he decided to sit through a football game and learn a little about it. It would help him bond and socialize with other men, the powers that be. The week before he was to watch a game, he read in a newspaper that during televised games there's an official on the sidelines whose sole purpose is to call timeouts so more commercials could be shown. Disgusted by this kowtowing to corporate greed, he didn't watch the game that weekend and has kept the streak going ever since.


  1. Never watched a football game? DUDE! I'm surprised you don't have a stampede of females gunning down your driveway.

    Football, I tolerate. Soccer I enjoy (tighter, shorter uniforms on the guys, and less of 'em). Basketball, however, I'm rabid for. I also follow women's gymnastics cuz I spent 14 years of my life living that world ...

    your blog is luring in a strange, but humorous kind of way ... probably I shall merely lurk in the future, but I sent a link to my good buddy Rick ... youse two's can probably do some male bonding. He's at this URL: He gets me reading about shite like snakes and shower repair and fishing ... I like that.

  2. Good heavens. Someone actually looked at this blog. I am stunned. Really. Not being sarcastic.