Fasting

It's good to fast sometimes, but it depends on why.

These are the bad reasons:

• Religion - Fasting to appease a god or uphold a tradition may cement your relationship with others who share the same beliefs, but those beliefs are primitive and stupid
• Poverty - There can be romance in being poor but it's fleeting and better for future sentiment than instruction
• Illness - Not feeling well is a bad reason not to eat
• Motion sickness - The Complete and Total Loser went on a two-day boat ride on rough seas some years ago and couldn't keep anything down. Sad, because he loves the sea and likes the idea of circumnavigating the globe someday in a small ship with a huge gun, just in case. This will never happen, though
• Medical testing - Earlier today the Loser had a colonoscopy, so yesterday he ate only a small amount of Jell-O and drank only a mixture of Miralax and Gatorade. 

These are the good reasons:

• Time - If you fast for even a day, you will be amazed at how much extra time you'll have. Even if you think you're the type who just grabs a bite and runs, there's more to it than that. There's all the shopping, preparation, getting out a dish, glass, spoon or fork, cleaning up afterward. And thinking about it. All those quick thoughts you have during the day -- Do I have any frozen burritos? Do I need eggs? -- add up. When you fast for a day and you cut yourself off halfway through those thoughts, the minutes add up. 
• Starting a diet - Maybe, maybe not. Some will say not eating for a day or two will shrink your stomach. Who knows? The Loser can't be unbiased about this at the moment as he is fat, wishes to lose 20 pounds, and is hoping to start that with his fast yesterday. We'll see ...
• Thinking about food - It's becoming hip to think about food as a resource and how we use it. That's a good thing. Should we eat meat, which is like driving a Hummer, environmentally? No, but the Loser notices that when he does break down and have a steak he feels like he's had a vitamin B-12 shot and is ready to fight ten men. How about eggs and dairy? The lives of milking cows and laying chickens are grim, but tofu, which the Loser eats regularly, can get a little dull. And quinoa. It's the best grain around, but the Loser has read that the love yuppie scumbags (like him) have for it has driven the prices up where it's grown, so the natives are turning to unhealthy but cheap substitutes.

Ommmmmmmelette. Ommmmmmelette.

The Loser's Thoughts on Food

The Complete and Total Loser's rear bicycle tire went flat today and he had to walk home from downtown after doing some minor shopping. Outside an expensive hotel he saw a few people taking photos with their cell phone cameras. He looked to see what they were snapping. A visiting movie star? A sports figure? A politician? No. It was, as pictured above, a Red-tailed Hawk eating its latest prey, a pigeon.

The Loser's thoughts on food:

• Raw is best for meat. Cooking's a convention thought up by primitive humans to burn off maggots and rotted flesh, and to make tough meat easier to chew. This made it possible for the older people to eat.
• Raw is not necessarily best for vegetables. Light steaming releases nutrients and facilitates absorption. 
• It's not necessary for humans to eat meat. There are perfectly healthy bodybuilders who are vegan. The Loser is not one of them, though he takes it easy on meat and animal products. The ugliest steaks taste the best, by the way.
• Eating meat is like driving an SUV, environmentally speaking. The Loser rarely eats beef and when he does, he reminds himself that he doesn't own a car, lives in a small apartment and, most important of all, did not have children.
• Putting lemon juice in water will change the alkaline property of your blood for the better. Pure water is great. Water with lemon juice is better. Drinking ridiculous amounts of water (no one even knows who said that 6 to 8 glasses a day nonsense) is not necessary and when you drink coffee or alcohol there is still a net gain of water. When you drink water, do it all at once. Refrain from carrying any kind of bottle of water with you. You are an adult and far too old for a sippy cup.
• Taking lots of vitamins is a waste of time and money. Get a multivitamin and take one day. Don't spend money on organic ones. Vitamins act on a molecular level and their origins are unimportant. 
• If you want to lose weight, avoid sugar completely. The pounds disappear fast.
• Alcohol makes you fat not just because of its own caloric content but because it lowers your inhibitions, letting you order that second plate of fries. The Loser is surprised he doesn't hear health experts say that.
• Speaking of fries, avoid them and potato chips.
• Eating right starts in the store. If it's not in the house, you won't eat it.
• Never drink sodas. They're for teenagers exclusively and they shouldn't drink them either. Sugar free sodas are about as bad and should also be skipped.

Why the Loser is Fat

The Complete and Total Loser got out of college in the early 1980s, a time when the economy was spiraling down and unemployment was soaring up much like it is today. He landed a job that looked at first glance like a respectable one -- art gallery employee -- but was really simple commission-based hucksterism. He had two sport coats, a few dress shirts and one tie.
One thing galleries had then was free food and wine. Nothing makes art lovers loosen their purse strings better than a belly full of white wine and cheese. And so on Fridays the Loser, being as unsuccessful a salesman as he is a human being, made gallery rounds where he would gorge. Crackers were, to him, tiny pieces of hard bread. Cold cuts were steaks, cheese solidified milk.

An attractive, healthy woman eats right on a train platform.

In the gallery he worked in there were often plates of food for varying reasons and after dozens of grubby hands had had their way with them the Loser would be asked if he wanted what remained. The magic words, "I'm only going to throw it out," quickened his pulse and he'd race to find a container or bag to stuff his booty into so he could transport it home in his decade-old car.
Even now those words prick up his ears and he struggles to resist stuffing his sagging body with free food.
His weight is reasonable now, but only because he has an iota too much pride to actually dive into Dumpsters.