How to lock a bike

At work three days ago the Complete and Total Loser began telling a group of his coworkers about a bike he'd seen trashed and how he regretted not advising the young women he'd seen locking it on the best way to lock a bicycle. Two of the women laughed and rolled their eyes, one saying, "Oh, yeah, that's right; your way of locking a bike is the only right way to do it." This woman, of course, being someone who constantly tells the Loser and others how to do things.

Don't lock your bike like this.

He got angry. When angry, the Loser swears a lot.

Or this.

"I've ridden bikes for 30 fucking years in cities in four fucking countries," he said. "I know how to lock a fucking bicycle and there is a right way and a wrong way to fucking lock a bicycle. You put the U-lock through the rear forks to make it more stable and leave less room for pry bars and, if you're smart, you have a second lock or cable to secure the front wheel. So yes, there is a better fucking way to lock a bicycle than what this woman did, but I thought it'd be creepy to approach her, me being a stranger."

Or especially this. There are, as the cab driver in the background said to the Loser moments after this picture was taken, "So many criminals, so many dishonest men."

Stolen Bike

He didn't like the bike. In the near year he had it, it never felt right, despite it's good name, light aluminum frame and carbon fork. Still, The Complete and Total Loser has been depressed all day since going to the bike rack this morning and seeing ... no bike. He stood and looked at the other bikes there, stupidly thinking one of them could be his, even clearly none were. He trudged the mile to work on foot, runners and riders zipping by, unaware of his grief. He wanted to knock a rider off his bike and take it, even finding a twisted justice in this. 

The Loser's only consolation is that the wheels had locking skewers. Have fun taking the wheels off, you stupid, shithead, fucking asshole thief.