The Loser Moves

"It would be nice in some ways," the Complete and Total Loser said, "if I went home and found that my apartment building had burned down. I'd be rid of all the junk and I could start fresh."

He said this in 1992, just two years into life in his tiny apartment. Now, two decades later, he's at the end of a month spent moving and has just one day left. He doesn't see how he'll do it. The more he gets rid of, the more there seems to be. Objects requiring decisions ooze from closets and drawers. In some instances, the Loser has simply picked up drawers and emptied them into boxes he then tapes shut and labels sloppily if at all. 

He's too old for the endless trips down the three flights of steps and back. His left ankle is complaining. Will it hold for one more day? Suspense

There are more boxes than floor space in the Loser's apartment these days.

The Quiet Car

A commuter now, the Complete and Total Loser takes the quiet car. The quiet car is his region's transportation agency's way to try to make its notoriously poor service more tolerable by reserving the first car of each train for people not interested in talking to each other or friends on their cell phones. The Loser, having no friends and a poor conversationalist, takes this car. The quiet car's patrons are invariably white and over 30; the young, noisy and sociable people sit in the rear cars, which make up the majority of them. 

As the Loser sits in the quiet car, surrounded by people reading books, newspapers, and magazines either in paper or electronic form, he imagines what's happening in the rear cars. He pictures them brimming with people in colorful native garb, dancing, shouting, balancing baskets on their heads, chasing after escaped chickens. He knows this isn't true, but he likes the idea.

Not all is perfect in the quiet car. The trainmen seem to take great delight in using the primitive loudspeaker system to tell riders the names of the approaching stops, something they already well know. The train line has new cars, pictured, which prevent this by having recorded announcements by a computerized female voice. The volume is a rational one, but she talks far too much. Still, the cars are an improvement. They reach the level of quality the cars the Loser rode when he lived in Japan -- in 1986. Ah, America.

Riders ride in silence aboard a train car reserved for those seeking quiet as they commute.

Women v. Men

Why is it that when men tell women things about women they're told they couldn't possibly understand women because they aren't women yet it's just fine if women are cast as people who know and understand exactly how men think and behave? 

What to Do Now

Send the bodies to St. Bart's. 

That's what the Complete and Total Loser wants to do with his parents' remains. That's because he housesat for them for many years while they sunned on a tropical beach. Now they're dead and he's living in the house, having given up his cluttered, overpriced apartment in the city. He'll be here until he and his brothers sell the place in the summer. The Loser wants to send their ashes south so he can live as if they still existed and would be home in early March, ready for spring.

A picture of a St. Bart's harbor one of the Loser's parents took in 2007. The stopped going after 2008 because they got too old to cope with the cobblestone streets and lack of railings.

The Accomplishment

The Complete and Total Loser's greatest accomplishment of 2011 is one based on something he didn't do, not something he did do.

What that something was is this: After dropping a childhood friend off at the airport to return to his New England home from trip to attend the Loser's father's funeral service, the Loser did not pull into the garage of his newly late parents' house, push the button on the small device that opens and closes the garage door to close it, put the seat back, turn up the music on the CD player, close his eyes and wait for the carbon monoxide to do its work.
There are times that the things you don't do matter more than the things you do do. This is one of them.